Category: bar & drinking

Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How
about it babe? You and me?
As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.
She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by
the inch?

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?””Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.””Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?””It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.”What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow.”My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!””Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!!”

It’s New Year’s Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket.The bartender says, “Look, Mac, it’s New Year’s Eve, and I know we’re both depressed, and I certainly don’t mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?” Kelly says, “It’s none of your freaking business! And if you be givin’ me a hard time, I’ll be breaking your bloody face!”At this time, a little mouse pops out of Kelly’s shirt pocket and says, “And that goes for your cat, too!”

Holl My is a May?

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons ”46!!” Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out ”39!!” Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing- Lastly, he shouts ”14!!” Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing.

The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender ”What is going on?”

The bartender says ”This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full”

The visitor is astounded ”Let me try!!” he says- So he shouts ”46!!” Nothing happens ”39!!” Still nothing. ”14!!” and yet still not a sound from the patrons.

The visitor says to the bartender ”I don’t understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.

The bartender replied, ”Well, some folks can tell a joke……. and some folks can’t”

A man walks into a bar and asks the Barman for a pint a lager and a packet of crisps,when the barman served him the man drunks the pint of larger and placies the packet of crisps on his head turns around and walked out of the pub. The same thing happened the following two days. On the third day the barman thought ill catch him out, so in comes the man orders a pint of lager and a packet of crisps, The barman said sorry mate i can serve you the drink but i cant give you any crisps as we have run out ! so the man said ok then ill have a cornish pasty instead. He drinks the lager and puts the cornish pasty on his head and turns around and starts to walk out. Just as he gets to the door the barman says why did you put that cornish pasty on your head ! The man replies because you`ve run out of crisps.

your mamma is so harry she has to part the hair on her butt to take a crap.

BED-I AM COVERED

your mammas so fat that she played pool with the planets

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”

The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”

The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

yo mama is so boobs are so big you could make two worlds!