Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders
a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself
to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and
three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the
first duck, “What’s your name?”

“Huey,” replies the duck.

“So, how’s your day been?”

“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all
day.”

The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”

“Due,” replies the duck.

“So, how’s your day been?”

“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all
day.”

The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is
Louie?”

The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles�.

there was a popular girl at school and she wanted to have sex.so she asked a boy there if he would his name was jhonny humper harder,so he said yes.when he started humping her his mom walked in”jhonny humper harder!”she scolded. the rest of his family walked in and did the same.he said”if i hump her any harder my penis will itch.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a Push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

THERE IS A GUY IM MY COOKING CLASS WHO WSA BORN IN U.S.A BUT HIS PARENTS COME FROM KOREA.THERE IS THIS GIRL WHOSE NAME IS ASIA.ONE DAY THE TEACHER WAS TAKING ATTENDANCE AND NO RESPONSE CAME FROM THE GIRL NAME ASIA SO ONE OF THE BOYS TOLD THE TEACHER THE GUY WHOSE PARENTS COME FROM ASIA KNOW WHERE IT IS

There was a man having problems with his kidneys he went to the doctors and the doctor said avoid fat were pssible the man stopped sleeping next to his wife.

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”Well, the publican isn’t sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.”Let’s call It $150,” he says.The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?”

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until
the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his
house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts
tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles
in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks
terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something
terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances,
and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife
came into the bedroom.

� Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said.

� Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple
of beers.”

� A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last
night. Where the heck did you go?”

� What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

� Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

what do you call two lesbian dinosaurs?

lickalotapuss

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, ”O’Brian, come ‘ere O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye.” O’Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.”O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.” O’Brian bursts into tears, ”Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done.” ”Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.” O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. ”Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty
side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How
about it babe? You and me?
As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could
use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.
She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by
the inch?

Whatdo micheal jackson and walmart have in common?
They both have little boys pants half off.