Category: bar & drinking

yo momma is so fat a whale started singing we are family even though your bigger than me

Once upon a time a humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship, but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.’But why?’ gasped the humble crab.’Daddy says that crabs are too common,’ sobbed the princess. ‘You’re a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways.’ Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness.That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball and lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father’s side inconsolable.Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne – walking dead straight, one claw after another. A silence gathered around the room. All the lobsters’ eyes fell on the intruder. Step by painful straight step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:’F***, I’m pissed!’

An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ”Meeeeeeep”. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.

He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ”Meeeeeeep” The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ”Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!”

The alien obiously doesn’t understand and pokes the bartender again and says ”Meeeeeeeep”. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.

But, the Alien doesn’t have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ”Well, if you don’t have a dick, how do you have sex?” The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says ”Meeeeeeep”

yo mamas so dumb she picks up a piece of grass licks it put it in the air and says we gonna have a hurricane,a helicopter comes by she says there it goes

Two men were in a pub. One man said, ”Did you know that beer contains female hormones?” The other man said, ”No! Is it true?” ”Yes,” said the first man. ”If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.”

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
“Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill.”

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for
$57.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with
a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly
be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of
the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands
the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls
him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a
drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!”

There were two mothers and two daughters.They went to a bike shop.Each of them bought a bike for themselves.But, when they cameout there were only 3 people with bikes!How can this be if there were no two seater bikes?

Answer:There was a grandmother, who was a mother of the mother of the daughter.I know it sounds confusing, but read it a few times and you will get it!Email this to your friends!

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck, and he asks for a
pint. The bartender says ok.

Then the man asks whose in the lounge. And the bartender says 15 people
playing darts. So the man says get them a pint too.

Then he asks whose upstairs and the bartender says 150 people having a disco.
And the man says get them a drink too.

The bartender says to the man that will be $328 please. And the man says sorry
but I haven�t got that much money on me, and the bartender says, If you were
down in the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.

And the man says, Vie all ready been there.

A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out.

The bartender notices him and asks what’s wrong.

The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but isn’t sure how to confront her about it.

The bartender replies, “Here’s what you do, tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say’s its a dick, then that means she’s lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say’s it’s a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent.”

The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife.

As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is.

“Oh, that’s a pecker,” responds his wife.

The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, “Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick.”

His wife responds, “Oh no, that’s a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator,
a man walks in with really bad dandruff,
after he leaves,the brunette says”poor guy we should give him some head and shoulders”then
the blonde says”i know how to give head,but how do you give shoulders?”

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Give me two beers�. The bartender
obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers�.

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he
had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more
beers.

So the bartender asks, �What’s in your wallet that you keep looking
at?�

So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my
wife gets�.

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.

“My son,” the first one says, “started out washing cars at dealership, but now
owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his
choice!”

“My son,” said the second, “started out serving lunch in a real estate office,
but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new
mansion!”

“My son,” said the third, “started out sweeping the floors at the Stock
Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his
friends a $1,000,000 in stock.”

“Well,” the fourth guy said, “my son’s turned out to be a bit of a
disappointment. He’s a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the
plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million
dollars in stock for his birthday.”