Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar and looks really upset, and orders alot of shots. the bar tender ask him what is wrong and the guy said that he just found out that his little brother is gay. he came in the next day and looked even worse. the bar tender asked him what is wrong and he said that he just foind out that his other brother is gay. he came ion the next day and looked like crap and ordered a 100 shots. the bar tender said”damn!! does anyone in your family like women.” the guy said,” yea, my wife!!!!”

A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him.

“Can I help you, sir?” said the cop.

“Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replied.

The policeman asked, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?”

“It wassss at the end of thisss key.” the man replied.

About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man’s dick was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asked the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Your jokes are shit.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he’s ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high.

So, he sits down next to him and asks, “How is that you have such a small head?”

The man replies, “Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home.”

The man continues, “A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home.”

The man goes on, “After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, ‘How about a little head?'”

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting
next to him. ”Hello there,” says the man, ”and what is your name?”
”Hello,” giggles the woman, ”I’m Stacey. What’s yours?” ”I’m Jim.” ”Jim,
do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??” ��sure!”
replies Jim, ”Let’s go!”

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on
the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. ”Stacey, I noticed the
picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says. ”Yes? And what about it?” asks
Stacey. ”Is it your brother?” ”No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s
eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband. When he finally asks,
��is it your husband?” Stacey giggles even more, ”No, silly!” Jim was
relieved. ”Then, it must be your boyfriend!” Stacey giggles even more while
nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, ”No, silly!!” ”Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacky replies, ��that’s me BEFORE my operation!!”

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey. He looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus. The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also. The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said “Barkeep, give me a cold beer. Hey, is that Jesus down there?” The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door. Jesus touched the republican and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip. As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me, I’m drawing disability!”

what is cheaper? large bag of corn nuts or deer nuts.

answer corn nuts are around 2.99 and deer nuts are under a buck

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb? 11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

your mammas so stupid she put on the spannish channel and said god languages change so fast

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer’s amazement – the guy was stone cold sober.”I can’t belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???” “Oh that’s easy”, replies the man.”Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.