Category: bar & drinking

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer.

Corona’s president sits down and says, “Se�or, I would like the world’s best
beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him.

Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world,
give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made
with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and
the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither
will I.”

An Irish guy is walking along the coast when he spies a old-fashioned lamp lying on the beach. He picks it up, and in wiping the off the sand, manages to release a genie! Of course the genie grants him three wishes.For his first wish, the Irishman asks for a bottle of Guinness that never runs dry, and *poof* he’s holding a bottle. He takes a swig of some of the best Guinness he’s ever tasted! After a few more swigs he notices that sure enough, the bottle is still full. So he sits there on a rock, drinking and enjoying his magical bottle of stout.The genie, getting bored watching the Irishman drink, prompts, “You have another two wishes, you know…””Oh, that’s right!” says the Irishman. “Gimme a couple more just like this one!”

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a
Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.

“Ouch!” the Chinese man says.

“What was that for?”

“That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says.

“But I’m Chinese!”

“Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

And the Jewish man sits back down.

A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches
him in the face.

“Ouch!” the Jewish man says.

“What was that for?”

“That was for sinking the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.

“Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!”

“Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

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the other day i went to the bar and had 5 beers i went home with a 20 year old i was 17 and we had sex for 12 hours and it was great alway go for 20 yaer old men wow was it good or what!!!!!!

A nfl guy walks in to a bar and he said no one can beat me ! but then a little guy walks up and says i can! so the nfl guy says name your game the man says bar room football.the nfl guy says how do you play? the man said you drink a picher of beer pull down you pants and fart. so thay do this about seven times. the nfl guys up he drinks a picher of beer pulls down his pants the little man runs over and puts his foot up his but and said block field goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “You got any fish?” The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish” so the duck leaves.Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “You got any fish?” The bartender says,”I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish.”Ther following day, the duck returns and asks,”You got any fish?” The bartender looses it, grabs the duck bu the neck, and screams,”I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON”T SELL FISH IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I’M GONNS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!”The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?” The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don”t have any nails.” The duck says,”Good. Got any fish?”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

A brunette walks into a bar and says, “Gimme an ML.” The bartender says, ” What’s an ML?” She says, ” A Miller Light.”

Another Brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a BL.” The bartender says, “What’s a BL?” She says, “Bud Light.”

A dumb blonde walks in and says, “Gimme a 15.” The bar tender says,” What’s a fifteen?” She says,” 7&7, duh!”

‘You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.’ – Frank Zappa.

‘Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.’ – Ernest Hemingway.

‘Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.’ – Winston Churchill.

‘He was a wise man who invented beer.’ – Plato.

‘Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.’ – Catherine Zondonella.

‘A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.’ – W. C. Fields.

‘Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
‘Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.’ – Churchill’s reply.
‘Sir, you’re drunk!’ – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
‘Yes madam, and you’re ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.’ – Churchill’s reply.

‘If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.’ – David Daye.

‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ – Henny Youngman.

‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin.

‘If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.’ – Jack Handy.

‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ – Dave Barry.

‘The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.’ – Humphrey Bogart.

‘Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.’ – David Moulton.

‘People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot.’ – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.

‘Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.’ – Kaiser Wilhelm.

‘I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.’ – Homer Simpson.

‘Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.’ – Unknown

‘I drink to make other people interesting.’ – George Jean Nathan.

‘They who drink beer will think beer.’ – Washington Irving.

‘An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.’ – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.

‘You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.’ – Dean Martin.

‘All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.’ – Homer Simpson.