Category: bar & drinking

EAR ABOUT THE 2 GAY IRISHMEN??? MICHAELFITZPATRICK OR PATRICHFITZMICHAEL lol VERY OLD JOKE 2NDONE LOL FATHER OBRIEN CA;;ED FORM LAST RIGHTS AT MACINCE SHOP!! DO YOU THE IN THE FATHER THE AND THE SONA AND THE HOLY GHOSAT!!!??? GENTLEMAND DYINGS SAYS I AM DYINF YOUR GIVING ME RIDDLES lol

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..” Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo…” Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo… ” Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. “But ya fuck one sheep . . . “

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!The barkeep lisps, “What’s wrong?”The country boy replies,” You wouldn’t believe what is going on in there.””What?”The country boy is shaking his head, “Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.”The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.”The guy in the middle wouldn’t have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?””I think he was. Why?” “He’s lucky at cards too!”

ok a guy runs into a bar.
what do u think he says?

OUCH GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks
the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain
around?

The man answered ” HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these
things!!”

Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. “Bartender,” he says, “give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey.”
The bartender laughs, “Sure thing, pal, $150.”

He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.

“My God!” said the bartender, “I’ve never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!”

“Well,” said Roger, “I’m actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly.”

“Is that so?” said the bartender.

“Yes,” said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.

“That’s my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream.” Another low humming now. “That’s my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey.” A high pitched whistle came from Roger’s lower torso. “That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean.”

Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.

“Alright, this is a robbery,” he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, “all the money, NOW!” Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Roger’s fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.

The bartender shouts, awestuck, “What the hell was that?”

Roger smiles, “That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful.”

yo momma so dumb when i told her it was chilly outside she went in the house and gotta bowl.

14> Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.

13> No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.

12> True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.

11> Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots

10> Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.

9> Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.

8> When falling off chair, do not block aisleways to jukebox or restroom.

7> We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!

6> Strict 5-drink limit is means somewhere around 12 to 15 drinks.

5> Absolutely no Sally Struthers.

4> Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.

Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.

3> Designated drivers drink free all night!

2> Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond 32 decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre– Hey! Where’d she go?

1> Confusing, hard to read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”.

She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock.

“I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that”, replied the Irishman. Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off… watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that”, replied the Irishman.Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right, he’s unshakable!”The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch this.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!””Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replies -,
“The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

Did you hear about micheal jackson getting food poising?
He ate an eight year old weaner.