Category: bar & drinking

A bear walked into a bar and the bar tendor said what will you have so the bear said i have a hamberger and………… some fries
the bar tendor says whats with the big pause.

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders
a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself
to use the restroom.

The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar,
so he decides to make small talk with them.

He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”

� Huey,” replies the duck.

“So, how’s your day been?”

� Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles
all day.”

The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”

“Duey,” replies the duck.

� So, how’s your day been?”

“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all
day.”

The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”

The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW SOCIAL SECURITY SEX POSITION ?
WHEN YOUR BALLS HIT HER ARSE SHE IS RECIEVING THE FULL BENEFIT..

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.”I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.”On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.””But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.”Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”

Two guys walk into a bar the third one dunked

Beer Troubleshooting ********************SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

a guy walks into a bar and meets up with a few friends.after a couple of shots of tequila, he stagers over to the bar and asks the barkeep for another shot of tequila and the bartender obliges,this goes on for about an hour or so.finially the man requests another,the barkeep says i gotta cut ya off youre way too intoxicated. the man assures the keeper hes just gettin started. ,he also replies i got a cab on the way 1 more for the road and again the keep serves up another round.the man asks the keep if he is a wagering kind of guy . the keep replies sure am!the man asks the keep to set his shot glass on the bar,which he does. staggering around and holding on to a patron he says i bet you 1,000 bucks i can piss in that there shot glass! barkeep says take three steps back and i will raise ya 500 to your 1,000,the man replies your on!he takes his steps back and gives it all he has ,pissin all over the bar ,a patron or two and never gets the first drop in the glass. giggling as he gladly pays his tab and his loss ,the keep says to the man you dont seem too broke up about loosin so much money,whats the deal? the man replies if you look just behind me those guys standing over there? i just bet them i could piss all over your bar and everyone around it and you would not do anything but laugh about it!

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?One less drunk!!!

A young man walks up and sits at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.

“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots! Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blow job.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

Two blondes walk in to a bar one blonde ducks because she saw a pole. What
does the next blonde do?
She walked on to the pole.

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, “Hey, where�re all the wimmin?” The Barman replies, “Ain�t no wimmin here, not fer a long time.””Well what do y�all do?” “We do it with the animals.” Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills. Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, “You�re sure you do it with the animals?””Yes, we do, sir” Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with it, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.The bartender was in front and said, “My God, man, what are you doing?””I thought you said you all did it with the animals.” “Yeah, but no one fucks the sheriff�s broad!”