Category: bar & drinking

a mom and dad were havin sex one night and their son walks in and sees them bouncin up and down on each other. He askes what are you doing. Then mom said dad has a lot of fat i have to bounce on him to flatten it down. The kid says well every day when mom goys to the store the next door neighbor comes over and blows it back up

Don’t trust volleyball players with your drinks.”
“Why?”
“They might spike ’em.”

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, “Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?”The cabbie says, “Sure.”So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

One day a horse danced in a bar. The bar tender said, “Why are you dancing in a bar?” “Because I ate a lot of hay!”

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give
me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This
happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous
wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for
himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next
day, the hooligan returns.

“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”

“O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?” stammers the bartender.

“A small Coke.”

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ”44 days! 44 days!” One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ”Why are you chanting 44 days?” She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ”A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!”’

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out.He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: “Shay mister, taste this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.”It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It is. How old am I?”

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.

“I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said “Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

during a contest in a church, a priest asked one of the contenders a very hard question. -whom do u think killed jesus? she replies after thinking for a while: – i am not sure, but it is between Osama Bin Laden and Sadam Hussain…

This guy goes in a bar with some friends hours go by and they end spliting up. Well the guy goes up to the bar to order a drink,he then sees a little man in green. So he goes up to him and grabes him and said “I got you so grant me my three wishes! The little guy says “not till you go in the bath room and blow me.” The man says no way and walks away. Coulple more hours go by and at this point the man is drunk, and he sees the little man agian. So he goes up to him and grabs him agin and says ” ha I got you give me my three whishes.” The lepercon said not till you go in the bath room and blow me. The man bein drunk says o.k to him. So they go in the mens room and the man blows him.After the man starts telling him his whishes and the little man says ” I bet you belive in the tooth fairy too!”

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says “When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I’ve tried everything, but she doesn’t moan, doesn’t scream, doesn’t even move”

The guy pats his friend on the back and says “Yeah, she does that with me, too.”

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replies -,
“The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”