Category: bar & drinking

Two men were in a pub. One man said, ”Did you know that beer contains female hormones?” The other man said, ”No! Is it true?” ”Yes,” said the first man. ”If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly.”

15> Harvey Ballbuster

14> Gin & Colonic

13> Slow Uncomfortable Spew

12> Scabby Mary

11> Sullen Masturbation on the Beach

10> Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist

9> Bloody Navel

8> Blatant Reference To Sexual Activity

7> The Slutmaker

6> Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat With a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk

5> Long Island Iced Pee

4> Screaming Hangover

3> Buttery Pimple

2> Elian on the Beach

1> Sex With Your Wife

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, “I found out my brother is gay.”

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, “I found out my other brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, “I found out my other brother is gay.”

The bartender says, “Doesn’t anyone like pussy anymore?”

The guy says, “Yeah, my sister�.

There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

Guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double
vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve
just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.”Like any buisness tonight?” They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.”Ay! Allright” Of course obviously they are scottish…”Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road” The first dwarf, ‘Malcolm’ says. They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 ‘Jimmy’ as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.”Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself” Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get “lil’ Jimmy” to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….”ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!!” Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.”Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil’ Jimmy wasnt playing along” says the dwarf…”Hah!!” says Malcolm.”It’s fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!”

A man walk in to a bar and says i want 14 beers the bartinder says you can only have 7 at a time the man says what ever give me 7 he drinks thim then he says give me 7 more he drinks thim to he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the bartender says go sit in the corner ! than a nother person comes in he said i want 14 beers he drinks thim he says im so f**cking drunk i can hump a cow the guy in the corner says moo!!

one day a mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender tells him to leave. The mushroom says “why, im a fungi”.

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “I want a drink big boy.” The bar tender says “we don’t serve your kind here!” The guy leaves and goes to another bar. and says “I want a drink big boy.” The bar tender says “we don’t serve your kind here!” Frustrated he leaves and goes to a costume shop. He gets a cowboy outfit and goes to another bar. He slams his fist down and yells “Give me a beer!” The bar tender looks at him funny and says “I’m sorry big boy but we don’t serve your kind here.”–Submitted By: Shadow_soul_reaver

One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few.

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in
exchange for a beer he’ll show him a trick he’ll never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat
scurries over to the bar’s piano and plays a tune.

The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat are piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for
the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other mans the frog.

“Are you nuts?” the bartender asks. “That frog could be worth a fortune to
you.”

“Don’t be so sure,” the customer says. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.
He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress .
..”

“STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the
bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the
Pope …”
“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”
“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”
“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

“GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”