Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.”

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible”, says the bartender… “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

whats the sadest thing in the world?

two boldy men fighting over a comb.

yo mommas so fat her blood types ragoo.

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks “He can drink?” “Oh, sure. He can drink.” So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. “That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?” The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!”

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink.”

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks “whats in the box”.

The man says “I’ll show ya’ if you get me a beer.”

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks “hey! thats prety cool, where did ya’ get that?”

The man says” I’ll tell ya’ if you get me another beer.” So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says “I got it from a geenie and a lamp”

The bar tender says “If ya’ let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I’ll give ya’ another beer.”

The man says “Oh, Okay!”

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says “Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?”

The bar tender says “I wish for a million bucks!!!” And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. “What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!”

And the man says “Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!”

this women was 8 months pregnant with triplet boys. while out one night she was shot 3 times. they rush her to the hospital and were able to save her and the babies but were not able to get the bullets out of the 3 babies. six years pass and the first little boy comes running out of the bathroom and up to his mother and shouts” momMy mommy i just shit a bullet” she explanins to him that when she was pregnant she got shot but the bullet was out of him and now he is fine. about 15 min. later the second little boy comes running out and tells her the same thing so she tells him that the bullet is out so he is fine now. then the third little boy comes running out and startes to say something so she cuts him off and says “I KNOW I KNOW YOU SHIT A BULLET ” HE SAYS NO I WAS PLAYING WITH MYSELF AND I SHOT THE DOG!!

A man goes into a bar and asks the barmaid for a drink. The barmaid gives him the drink. Bofore he drank it, he shut his eyes. The barmaid noticed this and looked confussed so she went up to the man and said “ive noticed you shut your eyes before drinking” and the man says “yes…my doctor told me NEVER to look at another drink again.

Short Story: Setting (LOCAL SINGLES BAR).

10:00 Michelle Perfect arrives.

11:00 John Practice arrive.

1:00 Practice makes ….

A gentleman and his wife are speeding down the highway when a state trooper pulls them over. “I’m sorry, sir, but I clocked you speeding at 75 mph. I’ll have to give you a ticket.”

“No way, officer,” says the guy, “I was watching my speedometer closely, and I never exceeded 55 mph.”

“Oh, honey,” says the wife, “you were going 75, I saw the speedometer.”

“Be quiet, woman,” he responds.

“Also,” continued the trooper, “I’ll have to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.”

“But, officer,” he responded, “I ALWAYS wear my seat belt. I just took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and insurance card from the glove compartment.”

“Oh, honey,” his wife continued, “you never wear your seat belt, and you weren’t wearing it today, either.”

“Shut-up!” he yelled.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said the trooper, “But does he always talk to you this way?”

“No, sir — only when he’s drunk.”

Guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy boy I feel like shit today.

Buddy says what’s wrong?

Guy says got drunk last night went home and blew chunks.

Buddy says nothing wrong with that.

Guy says yes there is.. Got a dog named chunks.

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies”, I’ll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass”.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say’s nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says, “it’s probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it’s very fair for him to call you that”.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says…
“Oh, dont worry, it’s ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that”!