Category: bar & drinking

why was the ghost allways at the bar?
He was a booooozer

Customer: (to bartender)
“My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!”

Bartender: What happened?

Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and
knees!

Bartender: Wow! What did she say?

Customer: She said, “Come out from under that bed right now you coward or I’ll
kick your butt again!!”

Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.”
The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.”

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says “Come on and tell me about it I’ve got a good ear, that’s why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.”

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says “Ok, today was my first blowjob.” The bartender says “Hey great, have another on the house.”

The man says “No, if 7 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will!”

A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5-dollar bills in it. He asks the
bartender “Whets with the money?” the bartender replies “we’re having a contest.
You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If
you pass, you get all the money in the jar” “ah what the hell. lets give it a
try.” says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar.

“first” says the bartender, “you have to drink a large glass of tequila
without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore
tooth. you have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old
woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?”
“fine” says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man
drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. the
bartender hears lots of
yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks
“ok, whereas the woman with the sore tooth?”

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when
they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets
to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find
$1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an
idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin
drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if
they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay
for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through
the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender
cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine
until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and
wasted.

“Man,” one of the drunks said, “I’ve got to admit, that hot dog trick worked
great.”

“Actually,” the second drunk said, “I ate the hot dog at the second bar!”

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he’s okay.”No, I’m not,” the guy replies.”I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.””Well,” asks the bartender, “what did you say to your wife?””Nothing. I’m not speaking to that bitch anymore.””Well, what did you say to your best friend?””BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks “yeah, what do you want?”. The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice “I’ve lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on”. At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. “Sorry, but we don’t re-tail spirits at this time of night”.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper looks surprised and says, “You have a drink named Steve?”

A man ran into his house puffing. His wife asked, “what happened?”
The man replied,”I saved $2″.His wife answered,”How did you do that?” He answered,”I chased a bus home”. The wife then said,”You could of saved $10 by chasing a taxi home”.

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his
stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, And being good Samaritans, decide
that this guy’s too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him
home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his
face. They pick him up, and the guy’s feet are Dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he
falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the
stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to His apartment, and knock on his
door.

The guy’s wife answers and says “Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back.
Where’s his wheelchair?”

A man walks into a bar with a pavement slab under his arm.
he says to the bar man “a pint please and one for the road”

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, “What can I serve you gentlemen?”

One of them says to the barkeep, “I’ll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye.” The barkeep says, “I’ve had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I’ll take that bet.”

So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me.” He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, “Are you gentlemen ready for another?” The same guy answers, “I’ll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear.”

The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy’s left ear, his right ear, and says, “There’s no way you’ve got an artificial ear. I’ll take that bet.”

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, “Damn, you got me again.” He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, “I’ll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away.”

The barkeep says, “It’ll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can’t do it.” He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.

The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, “I just made $100 so I’m smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?”

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I’ve been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $1,000 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you’d wipe it up with a smile on your face.