Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks into a bar.He bets the bartender $150 that he could toss a half-dollar coin into a shot glass all the way on the other side of ther bar.The bartender takes the bet.

The guy tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender $150.

The same guy comes back the next day and he said to the bartender that that half-dollar coin was to big to fit in the shot glass.So the bartender said try it with a quarter.The bet is on $150 if he can toss the quater in the shott glass all the way on the other side of the room.He tosses the coin and he misses.So he pays the bartender.

So he starts to drink and drink and drink till he is WASTED!So he bets the bartender $300 double or nothing that he could PISS in the shot glass across the room.So he wipps out his penis and just starts pissing everywhere on the walls on the floor and even on the bartender.

So the bartender is on the ground laughing his nutts off and he says to the guy you are the biggest fool I have ever seen.The guy says NO YOU are the biggest fool I have ever seen I just bet this dude outside $100,000 that I could PISS all over your bar.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, �Geez that’s a
weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.�
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, �Say what breed is
that anyway?�

The owner says, �Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same
breed as every other alligator.�

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley”, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said surprised.
“He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley’s right tit.” Kelly said.
“And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!”

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

‘I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,’ he
replies.

‘You dirty bastard!’ shouts the barmaid, ‘Get out before I get my
husband.’

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

‘I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arise
cheeks and lick it off,’ he replies.

‘What???’ screams the barmaid, ‘that’s it! You’re barred, you dirty, filthy,
perverted bastard, get out now.’

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

‘Right. I’ll give you one last chance,’ says the barmaid. ‘Now, what do you
want?’

‘I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and
drink it all out of you.’

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting
down watching the tally.

‘What’s up, love?’ says the husband.

‘There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he
said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,’ she
says in a flood of tears.

‘What? He’s a dead man,’ shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

‘Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese
between my arise cheeks and lick it off,’ screams the wife.

‘Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard,’ shouts the husband
rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

‘Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness
and drink it out of me,’ she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down
in his chair.

‘Aren’t you going to do something?’ shouts the wife in hysterics.

‘Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of
Guinness…’

whats funnier than a dead baby?

a dead baby in a clowns costume

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog.

The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”

Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, “I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.”Moe looked over and pointed out, “But you’re holding yours with four fingers.””I know,” said Joe with a sigh, “but I’m peeing on three of them.”

Busch Berea very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of
the bar.

The bartender says to her, “What can I get yaw?”

The woman replies, “Give me a Busch Beer.”

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately
picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar
drag her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at
the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, “What can I
get yaw?”

The woman replies, “Give me a Busch Beer.”

The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately
picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag
her out back and have their way with her.

The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at
the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, “I know, you
want a Busch…”

The woman stops him and says, “No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch
makes my pussy hurt�.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. ‘Well, you really tied one on last night,’ she said. ‘Where’d you go?’ ‘I worked late,’ he said, ‘and I stopped off for a couple of beers.’ ‘A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,’ she replied. ‘You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?’ ‘What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?’ ‘Well,’ she replied, ‘my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.’

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ”Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”

Then the lady answered, ”Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says, ”Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.”What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.”My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.” The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.”Yeah, except today is the last night.”