Category: bar & drinking

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist’s office, mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen. The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. ‘That’s not a foot!’ she screamed. The drunk replied, ‘Sshorry, lady! I didn’t know there was a minimum.’

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, ‘How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?’ The man said, ‘because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I’m gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.’

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good Morning”, let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. “The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.” I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the couch…….naked.

The sad life of a penis:
I only have one eye,
my hair is a mess,
my skin is wrinkly,
my relatives are nuts,
my neighbours an arsehole
and my best friends a cunt!

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks “What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?”

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The polish guy calls the bartender over and says “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.” The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.” “What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!” “O.K.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.” “And why not?” asks the polish guy. The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a lesbian.” “I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy. So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of Lesbia are you from?”

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, �Geez that’s a
weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my
rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.�

50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull
terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, �Say what breed is
that anyway?�

The owner says, �Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same
breed as every other alligator.�

whats long black and smelly?

the welfare queue

A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.
So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.

In the morning his wife gets up before him and says “Were you drinking lastnight?”

He asks, “how did you know?”

She says “you left your wheelchair at the bar”

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”

The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?”

“I couldn’t even get on the f…ing bed!!!”

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping � with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile. 8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!” 4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants. 3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.