Category: bar & drinking

Andy walked into the neighbourhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife.

The bartender asked why.

“Well,” Andy said, “Yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town.”

“So?” the bartender replies.

“So I order a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast to the best woman a man could have.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Four waiters joined in.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he’s ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, “How is that you have such a small head?” The man replies, “Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home.” The man continues, “A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home.” The man goes on, “After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, ‘How about a little head?'”

one guy walks in to a bar sees a crying donkey sitting on a pot of gold and he asks the bartender whats up with the gold? The bartender said if you can get the donkey to shut up the gold is yours.

The guy says ok, and he walks over to the donkey and whispers something in the donkeys ear the donkeys cracks up laughing so the guy gets the pot of gold.

A week later he walks into the bar and sees the donkey still laughing sitting on another pot of gold he asks the the bartender was up with the gold the bar tender said if you can get the donkey to shut up,I’ll give you the gold.

The guy says ok but ill have to take him out side the bartender says ok then the guy takes the donkey out side for a min walks back in 5 min later and the donkys crying again the bartender asks how in the hell did you do that the guy says to make him laugh I said my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him.

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

“When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

“I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …”

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.”Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.”What’s the matter now?”the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!” The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”The bartenter, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!” The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.”It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.”I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

whado you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

hop in

What happen to the blonde who tried rocky mountains oysters for the first time?

The bull drug her 50 ft.

A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.”That, sir,” says the barman,”is a gentleman’s pleasure.”So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the man’s trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job he’s ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.”No can do,” he says,” it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.”The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says:” Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentleman’s pleasure.””What do you expect me to do with it?”asks the witch.”Teach it to cook and then fuck off!” says the man.

a man walks in a bar and says ” can i have
plane flavoured crisps.” The man behind the bar said
” no but i hav got helecopter

Q.what hs a tounge and gets around alot but does not walk.

A.a shoe

There’s a guy in a bar, it’s late, and the guy and the bartender are the only
ones left in the bar.

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to
the other end of the bar, and says to the Bartender, “If I could spit from here,
and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me
$50?”

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, “Ok, show me”

The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the
counter or the floor.

The bartender says, “That’s amazing! You deserve the $50!”

The next day, about noon, the guy’s in the bar again, and says to the
bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses Side by side, would be
give him $100?

The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in
both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the
bar. He than says to the guy, “If you can spit in All of these glass at the same
time, without getting any anywhere else, I’ll give you $200″

The guy says, “Sure, but I need a little time to get ready”.

So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at
lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup,
jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and
says, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner
$500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you’d be happy about it.”