Category: bar & drinking

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks,
�Olive or twist?�

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air
women approach.

“So, where y’all from?” he asks.

“We are from,” one of them answers�,somewhere where people don’t end their
sentences with prepositions�.

“Oh,” says the bartender. “So, where y’all from, bitch!”

A man walks into a bar and has a beer.Then he looks in his pocket then drinks another beer. Then looks in his pocket again and a again And again the bartender says why do you keep looking in your pocket.Then the man says because I have a picture of my wife in there and once she looks good Im going home

You got any overdue library books? ‘Cause you got fine written all over you!

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. ”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.” “I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.” His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?” “Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

you so fat every time you turn around its your birthday

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..”

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”

do you know how dumb blondes are?
well there was a blonde she called me to get my phone number.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and
proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in
for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘who owns the white
horse tied up outside?’

The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’

‘Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks
Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger
walks in and asks, ‘who owns the white horse outside?’

The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’

‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun
running.’