Category: bar & drinking

when you wake up with a fat chick in bed and you go to take a shower the next morning and the only thing that got wet was your feet.

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think

I’m not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol

I’m just a little slort of sheep
I’m not like tinkle peep

I don’t know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get

just give me one more drink
to fill me cup

‘cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday me up

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry, Wild West day and
proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in
for a snort.

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘who owns the white
horse tied up outside?’

The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’

‘Because it�s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks
Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger
walks in and asks, ‘who owns the white horse outside?’

The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’

‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun
running.’

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into
a saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the general store so she
started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated
at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, “Come on over, Ma’am, sit yourself
down right here next to me and have yourself a drink.

“Thank you kindly Sir, but I’m afraid that I couldn’t,” replied the woman, “on
account that I need to get bread�.

The cowboy replied, “Uh, Ma’am, I do reckon you came to the right place for
that!”

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer which he then proceeds to drink half of. The other half he pours on his left hand. He orders another beer and does the same. He continues to do this for several beers at which point the bartender can no longer stand the suspense and asks him what he’s doing to which he replies, “I’m getting my date drunk.”

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, “YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”The drunk looks up and says, “God? Is this God trying to warn me?”The voice says “NO, I’M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK.”

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

Why doesn`t Osama Bin Laedn have sex with any of his 5 wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs, he see`s Bush!!!

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.”

The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.”

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.

About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”

The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”

The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”

The man replies, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”

The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussy’s.”

The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.Chris: ‘I reckon he’s an accountant. ‘ James: �No way – he’s a stockbroker. ‘ Chris: �He’s no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here. ‘ The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Chris: ‘ ‘Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.’ Suit: �No offence taken. I’m a logical scientist by profession. ‘ Chris: ‘Yeah, so what’s that then. ‘ Suit: ‘I’ll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?� Chris: ‘Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. ‘ Suit: `Well, it’s logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?’ Chris: ‘It’s in a pond’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?’ Chris: ‘As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?’ Chris: �As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.’ Suit: ‘well, given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you’re probably married.’ Chris: ‘Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.’ Suit: ‘Well then, it’s logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.’ Chris: ‘Yep! Four nights a week. ‘ Suit: ‘Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?’ Chris: �Me? Never!’ Suit: ‘Well, there you are, that’s logical science at work.’ Chris: ‘How’s that then?’ Suit: ‘From finding out that you had a goldfish. I’ve told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. ‘Chris: ‘I ,see. That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate.’Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.James: ‘I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?’Chris: ‘Yep! He’s a logical scientist.’James: ‘What’s that then?’Chris: ‘I’ll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?’James: ‘Hope. ‘Chris: ‘Well then, you’re a wanker.’

Paddy O’Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale “Irish” pub.”Amazin’, just amazin’, that’s what America is,” he said, looking with delight into his glass.”Never have I been seein’ an ice cube with a hole in it!””Oi sure have,” said his host, Michael Sullivan.”Bin married to one fer fifteen years.”