Category: bar & drinking

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, �I will give you three wishes.� The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, �I want a beer that never is empty.� With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, �I want two more of these.�

Q:What has a hundred an therty two spikes and holds a monster?
A:My ziper

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?”

As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

What do you call a bee that makes milk?
A Boobee

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter, orders a drink and relaxes. A minute or so later he notices a large jar of money sitting on the counter beside him. He calls over the bartender and asks about the jar of money. The bar tender tells him that it is a prize, whoever can commplete the tasks behind the three doors upstairs get the jar of money.
The man says asks what the tasks are. The bartender tells him behind the first door is a ferocious lion and you need to tame it, behind the second is a rotwiler with a hangnail and u must remove it, behind the third is a 110 year old wonman and you must have sex with her for 5 hours. The man say those a horiblle tasks but will attempt them for the money. He walks into the first room and within an hour or so comes out with the lion, the lion perfectly tamed and doing tricks. Then he goes into the second room. He comes out about 5 hours later and sayd “Ok, so where is the old lady with the hangn nail?”

HAHAHAHA!

3 guyes walk into a bar2 of them duck

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar, sits down on the stool and orders a beer. The bartender looks them over for a second and says, “Okay, you can stay, but you’d better not start anything.”

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.

The barman relied “I don’t want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!”

The guy replied “But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.”

After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. “Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it?” $200 was exchanged.

That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. “Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!”

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”

“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot

* A dyslexic man walks into a bra * Two guys walk into a bar, you’d think the second guy would have seen it coming!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks,
�Olive or twist?�