Category: bar & drinking

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking. “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.” The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?” The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

Why is there no Wal-Mart in Iraq?
Because everywhere is Target!

how do italian women hold there liquer? by the ears…..

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include white zinfandel, see below)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years… Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.

Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…

Drink: Shots

Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, “You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I’d see four!”

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, “You’re drunker than I thought!”, taking the rest of the alcohol away, “That cat isn’t coming in, it’s going out!”

a shoelace walks into a bar and asks for a drink. the bartender turns to him and says sorry we dont serve shoelaces here.

the shoelace leaves the bar goes and gets a haircut and ties himself into a knot.

the shoelace then returns to the bar and asks for a drink. the bartender says your that shoelace again i told you before we dont serve your kind around here. to that the shoelace replies i am not a shoelace, im a frayed knot.

a horse canters into a bar the barman takes one look at him and says whats the long face for.

A Man was walking home one night when he bummped into a really ‘fit’ woman. They were talking for a few hours and the woman seemed really interested. The woman then came to the subject of smoking, drinking, swearing and lying, and that she disaproved of them. She told the man that she has never met another man that has told her the truth. The man, nowing that the woman is interested started to lie. He told her he had never smoked, drank or swore. Later that night the woman was so imperessed with the man, she took him home with her. After they had done there business the man reached over to his jeans, which were on the floor beside the bed. he was looking throught his pockets, but didnt seem to be finding what he wanted. The woman then asked him what was the matter. He turn around, looked at her and said, F**K i left my fags in the pub!!!!

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with
one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the
bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and
tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss
standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said,
“Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double
martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

guess what ur gay and im not!!!!!! hehehehehehehe this is the funniest thing ive heard all day!!!

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