Category: bar & drinking

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ ‘Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.’ Jack thought to himself, ‘This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made.’ ‘Okay Bob. you’re on.’ Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, ‘Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.’ Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. ‘What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.’ ‘Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.’ ‘Yeah, what about him.’ ‘Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn’t you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.’

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed.
The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

“Sure,” said the drunken man.

“I’ll find Jesus.”

So the priest took the drunken man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal
waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and coughing.

“Damn,” said the drunken man.

“Are you sure he fell in there?”

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because..because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beertender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martuni, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got heartburn, “You have your left tit in the Ashtray!”

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”
The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he
had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more
beers.

So the bartender asks, “What’s in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife
gets.”

A pirate was talking to a “land-luvver” in a bar. The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, “How did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded, “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!”His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, “What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?” “No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.”Finally, the land-luvver asked, “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?”The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.”The land-luvver asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me hook!”

how do you kill a blonde
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put a strat and sniff at the bottom of a pool

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?” Confused, the bartenders says no. ”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

your mammas so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles pop out.

Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?

A. None! He fell.

Once upon a time,there was a girl who was sleeping in her bedroom…..SHE was snoring loudly…..Mom regonised the noise and sehe went upstairs to see what was the noise…

After a while she saw that the girl was like a chicken!!!!

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUNDS FOR THE HOUSE,
and have one yourself, too!”

The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks
back a shot himself.

“That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies,
“I don’t have a plug nickel�.

The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the
street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE
HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!”

As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come
in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous
night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back him.

“Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight�,

The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out
of, sorry to say�.

The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as
he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s
working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.”

Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time.

“What, nothing for me this time?”

“Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”