Category: bar & drinking

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks, as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse
was followed by a second long black hearse about fifty metres behind. Behind the
second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a lead. Behind him
was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn’t stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, ‘I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’
The man replied, ‘Well, that first hearse is my wife.’
‘What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her.’
He inquired further, ‘Well, who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.’ A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between
the two men. ‘Can I borrow the dog?’ ‘Yeah, Join the queue.’

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.
One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a
fence, with its butt facing the tavern.
One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.

The other says, “I just wish it were dark�.

A man walk in a pets store and saya can i have dog for my daughter,and the clrek says sorry we do not trade humans for animals here.

a man got invited 2 a party with a king and queen.the king stood up and said here in front of me i have a pool of crocodiles the man who can make it across successfully can marry my beutiful daughter or have �1 million the party carried on and then suddenely there was a splash there was a man frantically swimming across the pool and made it too the other side the king was gobsmacked,so what shall it be said the king,the man said neither i just want the bastard who pushed me in……

your mom is so stupid that someone told her that there was chill out side.she went and got a bowl

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

“Where have you been?” asks his wife.

“In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and
a golden urinal!”

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

“Do you have golden chairs?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden glasses?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have golden beer?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a golden urinal?”

“Hold on.”

On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in
your saxophone�.

where do you find a no legged dog?

a.right where you left it

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, �Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.� �Thanks, says the guy, �It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.� �Rubbish, you’re having me on,� says the girl. �No, it’s true,� says that guy. �Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.� The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, �Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.� �Well, it’s wrong,� says the girl, �I do have panties on.� �Damn,� says the guy, slapping his watch, �it’s an hour fast!�

Three gay guys went in to a bar. There was only on stool left.

What do they do?

Flip it over.

One day a neutron walks into a bar. The neutron sits down and orders his drink. The drink comes which he drinks and the neutron asks the bartender, “How much do I owe you?” The bartender said, “For you, no charge.”

An Irishman walks out of a bar.