Category: bar & drinking

One day a neutron walks into a bar. The neutron sits down and orders his drink. The drink comes which he drinks and the neutron asks the bartender, “How much do I owe you?” The bartender said, “For you, no charge.”

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Man walks into a bar.Ouch!

A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up, and
knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, Do you, Batman!”

There were these three wanna be priests and they went up to a real priest. They asked him how they could become a priest. He said that they had to do something bad.

So the first priest runs out and robs a bank, the second one shoots an old lady the third one I will tell you later.

So they go up to the real priest and he asks the first one what he did bad.
He said he robbed a bank. The real priest says good go drink the holy water.
He asks the second one and says what did yo do bad.

He said he shoot an old lady. The priest says good go drink the holy water.

Then the priest says what did you do bad to the third wanna be. He said he pissed in the holy water

A lady walks into a bar and says,” Barkeep, gimme a martooni.” The bartender
goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ”Barkeep, gimme
another martooni.” So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs
that, and just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Finally after about 10
minutes bartender says,” Would you like another?” She says,” Oh, no, I got
this terrible heartburn.”

The bartender says, ”Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It’s martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It’s bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You’re not having heartburn, your boob’s in the ash tray.”

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it’s a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, “I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.”

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, “Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.”

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. “Anything else,” he questions. The hippie replies, “Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.”

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, “Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!”

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. “That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?” “Yeah,” the hippie says, “but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.”

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

“You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!”

A man walks into and sits down at the bar. He picks up some peanuts and eats them. The peanuts (as he`s eating them) say ” You are a really handsome man, I`m so pleased to be eaten by someone as intelligent, goodlooking and charming as you”.
After a couple of drinks the man goes to the cigarette machine, on putting his money in the machine shouts ” What the hell are YOU doing here? We don`t want people like you in this place, get out you obnoxious piece of filth!!”
On hearing this the man complains to the barman. The barman explains ” I`m VERY sorry sir, the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.

Three guys are sitting at a bar: One from Hawaii, one from California, and one from New York. The guy from Hawaii says, “Where I come from people are so nice that after you’ve had two drinks at the bar the guy next to you will buy you your third.”The guy from California thinks about this for a second and says, “Well that’s nothing where I come from, after you’ve had one drink the guy next to you will by you your second.” The man from New York thinks about this and then replies, “Yeah well, where I come from you sit down at the bar and the guy next to you buys you your first, second, third and fourth drink, takes you around the town in their Mustang, and then take you home and lay you till next Sunday!” The two men look at him amazed as the man takes a sip of his beer and then says, “Well at least that’s what my sister tells me!”Adam

Guy goes into a bar. Big guy, but his head is the size of an orange.
Goes up to the bartender, orders a beer. Bartender serves him and asks why a big guy like him has such a small head.

So the guy tells him his story: He was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie lantern. Out comes this beautiful, beautiful genie who says, “I’ll grant you one wish . . . but i won’t sleep with you.”

Guy says, “Ok then, how ’bout a little head?”

A cop pulls over a guy.”Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?””Gee, officer,” the man says.”Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?”

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”