The Old Ghost

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

“hot girl in the Bar

A guy walks into the bar and sits down next to a man. The man says to him “you see that hot girl in the bar” the guy looks over to his right and see’s a hot girl sitting at the bar. He says “ya” and looks back toward the man. Then the man said “you want me to introduce you to her”. The guy says “yes” and the two walk over to her and start to talk. Later as the guy walks out of the bar with the girl the bartender asks why he set the guy up with that girl. the man replied “I probably would have kept her for myself but I dont date men”.

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.”Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

The Secret of Happy Old Man

A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, “You’re so old, what’s
your secret to staying so happy?”

The man replied, “Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I’m on lots of drugs and medication.”

“So how old ar you?”

The man replied, “25.”

Pirates adventure

A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“what about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now.”

“Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’

“We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really.”

“So, what about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up, and one of the pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye from some bird poop.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo

Picking up chicks

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.

Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret?’

He stops and thinks, then he adds, ‘He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’

‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’

Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly Rowdy bar for
possible violations of the Driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he
saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try His keys on five
different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, He started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, Read him his
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

Two Dwarfs in a Bar

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of
prostitutes stride up to them.

“Like any business tonight?”

They ask, making sure their ample cleavages are showing.

“Ay! All right” Of course obviously they are Scottish…

“Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel across road” The first dwarf,
‘Malcolm’ says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms, which are situated next to
each other. Dwarf number 2 ‘Jimmy’ as he likes to be called sits on the bed with
his partner for the night.

“Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself”
Jimmy tells his newfound friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying
to get “lil’ Jimmy” to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear
Malcolm in the next room….

“ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!!” Obviously he is having far greater
success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God
of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown
his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

“Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appalling night…Lil’ Jimmy wasn�t playing
along” says the dwarf…

“Hah!!” says Malcolm.

“It’s fine for you. I couldn�t even get on the bed!!”

Alcohol Warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Great bar

Two guys wandered into a bar.

One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, “Hiya, Mike, set ’em up for me and my pal here.”

Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!”

“That’s not so great,” responded the friend. “There’s a bar across town that’ll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free.”

“Where is this place?” the first guy exclaimed.

“Oh, I don’t know,” the dim fellow replied, “But my wife goes there all the time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis