Category: bar & drinking

This business man goes up to a bar, located at the top of The Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice Place. He takes a seat at the bar
next to another guy.
“This is a really a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” The first guy
says.
“Oh really?� the other replies, “it’s also a very special Bar”.
“Why is that?� the first guy asks.
“Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an, Original Van Gogh.
And this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!� the first guy says.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, the fourth One from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
you’ll fall only about 50 feet before an updraft catches you and you’re pushed
back up.”
“No way, that’s impossible”, the first guy replies.
“Not at all, take a look”, the other man replies and walks over to the window,
followed closely by the first man. He Opens the window, climbs up on the sill,
and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, come to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and floats back in through the window.
“See, its fun! You should try it”, he says.
“Try it; I don’t even believe I saw it!� the first man
Exclaims.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again”. And with that, he falls out the window
again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet. Once again, he comes to a
stop, and whoosh! He sails right Back up and floats safely through the window.
“Give it a try, it’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will Give it a try”,
the first man says. He climbs up on the Window sill and proceeds to fall out
the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50… 60…
70…80…90…100 feet, and splat! He ends up on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes
the window and heads back to the bar. As he sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a
real jerk when you’re drunk!”

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal
finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, “What was that all about?”

The bartender replies, “Look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary, pal.”

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster’s dictionary from his coat pocket and
looks up the word ‘panda.’

“What’s it say?” asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, “Eats shoots and leaves�.

Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.”
The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.”

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says “Come on and tell me about it I’ve got a good ear, that’s why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.”

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says “Ok, today was my first blowjob.” The bartender says “Hey great, have another on the house.”

The man says “No, if 7 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will!”

Q. What did the man say when he walked into the bar? A. Ouch.

what do u give a elefant with diariya? lots of room

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

“Shay mishter, tashte this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

“That tastes like pee!,” he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: “It ish. Now how old am I?”

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A SNAKE WITH A KANGAROO?
JUMP ROPE

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.”Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me???!!!”

When was soccer introduced to the bible?
When Jesus christ went up for the cross.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.

Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don’t you think?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Two pieces of black tarmac are in the pub having a few pints and a laugh, telling jokes and getting a bit drunk.

Then a piece of red tarmac enters the pub and the two pieces of black tarmac stop speaking and just look down at their pints until the red piece of tarmac has ordered his drink and goes off down the other end of the pub to play on the gambling machine.

Then they start up speaking again, and having a laugh like before.
The pub landlord is a little confused at whats going on and asks the two pieces of black tarmac why they are scared of the piece of red tarmac.

“What him?, he’s a freakin CYCLE PATH”! they replied.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis