Category: bar & drinking

a banana and a vibrator were sitting on a bed side table banana turned to the vibrator i dont know why ur shakin shes gonna f****** eat me!!!!

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy”, again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray.”

hiiiiiii

HOW DID THE BABY GET RAPED !
IT SUCKED ON A DUMMY .

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ”Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” ”Why? Don’t ye believe me?”

What is the difference between driving and getting a blowjob?

You can only hold one beer when you are driving.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Yo mama eyebrows are so hairy they look like two dirty caterpillars

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach. “So, where y’all from?” he asks. “We are from,” one of them answers, “somewhere where people don’t end their sentences with prepositions.” “Oh,” says the bartender. “So, where y’all from, bitch!”

there was a english man irish man scots & man they all went to a
magic slide the english man goes down the slide and wishes for a pot of gold and lands in a pot of gold the scottish went down the slide and wishes for a pot of silver and lands in a pot of silver the irish man goes down the slide and gose weeeeeeeee and lands in a buckit of wee !!!!!

by louis nicholson

TWO BLONDES WALK INOT A BAR

WHAT DO THEY SAY

OUCH

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. “Sure,” said the drunk man.”I’ll find Jesus.” So the priest took the drunk man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.”Damn,” said the drunk man.”Are you sure he fell in there?”

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The Bar is closing. ACTION: Panic. SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.