Category: bar & drinking

Sister mary katherine lived in a convent, a block away from jack’s liquor
store. one day, in walked sister mary katherine and she said, “oh jack, give me
a pint o’ the brandy.”

“sister mary katherine,” exclaimed jack, “i could never do that! i’ve never
sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

“oh jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the mother superior.” her voice
dropped. “it helps her constipation, you know.”

so, jack sold her the brandy. later that night jack closed the store and
walked home. as he passed the convent, whom should he see but sister mary
katherine; and she was snookered. she was singing and dancing, whirling around
and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. a crowd was
gathering, so jack pushed through and exclaimed, “sister mary katherine! for
shame! you told me this was for the mother superior’s constipation!”

sister mary katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “and so it is, me
lad, so it is. when she sees me, she’s going to s***!”

A guy and a girl met at a bar.

They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, ‘You must be a dentist!’.

The guy all surprised says, ‘Yes, how did you figure that out ?’.

The girl says, ‘Easy, you keep washing your hands’.

One thing led to another.

They make love.

After they were done, the girl says, ‘You must be a GREAT dentist!’.

The guy was very very surprised, he says, ‘Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??’

The girl says, ‘Easy, I didn’t feel a thing!’

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

So, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. One’s got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one’s just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, “how’d ya get that wooden leg mate?”.

The first reply�s “arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark.”

The second pirate is of course impressed, “aye, dat’s really a pirate ting to have happen. How’d ya get dat metal ‘hook?”

The first reply�s “lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!”.

“Aye, dat’s really a pirate ting to have happen” says the second pirate, again impressed.

“How’d ya get dat patch on your eye?”.

“Well I was up in the crow’s nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull” says the pirate’s pirate, “and the damn ting shit right in me eye”. In disbelief the second pirate says

“Well, how’d dat make ya blind?”

The first pirate replied: “Arr…first day wit me ‘ook.”

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..
“Not very freakin’ strong tonight, are you Batman!”

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.

The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks “yeah, what do you want?”.

The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice “I’ve lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on”.

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. “Sorry, but we don’t re-tail spirits at this time of night”.

There’s a guy in a bar, it’s late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, “If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?” The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, “ok, show me”The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, “That’s amazing! You deserve the $50!”The next day, about noon, the guy’s in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, “if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I’ll give you $200″The guy says, “Sure, but I need a little time to get ready” So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you’d be happy about it.”

your momma is so fat she wore a yellow dress and all the kids thought she was the school bus.

Joe walks into a bar and sits down.

He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.

Joe is like “Holy crap, where did you get that?”

The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he’ll get anything he wishes for.

Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.

A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.

He goes back to the bar and says “I don’t understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?”

The man rolls his eyes and says, “Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at
the bar and ordered, “Bartender, bartender, I would like a Marmots.”

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

“Bartender, I would like another Marmots”, again the bartender brought her a
Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang
on. She called, “Bartender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn�.

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a bartender,
but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Marmots, but a
Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the
ashtray.”

a banana and a vibrator were sitting on a bed side table banana turned to the vibrator i dont know why ur shakin shes gonna f****** eat me!!!!

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say ” Its because the watch is on your right hand.” The man puts the watch on his left hand and says “Oh there we go!”