Yours Fun Portal !
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, “Can I have a pint of Less, please?”
“I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”
“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy, “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink Less.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Reviewed by Tantilazing
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Two men at are bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”
The other replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me.”
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”
So the man humbly returns to his friend. “So what did she say?” he asks.
“She said she’s conctipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”
blonde jokes
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer.
When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer.
When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, “PLAY”.
The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse.
He set this mouse on top of the piano and said “SING”.
The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some ‘oldies but goodies’, then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had.
After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500.
The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk “You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!”
The drunk laughed heartily and replied “I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?”
The bartender responded “What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!”
“The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend “, chuckled the drunk. “That mouse can’t sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!”
A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef. ‘Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?’ Gus replies, ‘I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.’ The waiter says, ‘Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.’ Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, ‘Where’d you get those eggs?’ She replies, ‘We have our own chicken farm.’ The drunk asks, ‘Do you have a rooster? ‘No,’ she says. The drunk replies, ‘Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens.’
Q: WHAT DOES DISNEYLAND AND VIAGRA HAVE IN COMMON? A: ONE HOUR WAIT FOR A FIVE MINUTE RIDE.
the teacher told the student: you should brush your teeth before you come to school.
student: i did…
teacher: i can see what you had in the breakfast.
student: what?
teacher: egg…
student: wrong
“it was yesterday”
Three guys were drinking in a pub when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.
After a while he approaches the lads and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts,
‘I’ve shagged your mother!’
The guys look bewildered as the man goes back to his place at the bar and resumes drinking.
Ten minutes later he comes back and points to the bloke in the middle of the trio and shouts,
‘Did you hear me? I’ve shagged your mother’
Then he goes back to his drink.
A short time later the man comes up again, jabs his finger at the middle bloke and announces for the pub to hear,
‘I’ve shagged your mother, and it was good.’
By now the trio have had enough and the one in the middle shouts,
‘Dad, you’re pissed. Bugger off home!’
your mommas teeth are so yellow when she smiles everyone says there goes betty crocket
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”