A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.The young man called out to him, “Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?!”To which the farmer shouted back, “Safe as anything! Can’t say the same about you, though!”
Author: admin
That hurts
Man walks in a bar.
OUCH!
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City.
They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So
where are you from, then?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”
They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”
They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Dublin are you from?”
“The East Side.”
“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both
finish their pints and order two more.
“Where on the East Side are you from?”
“McDonagh Street.”
“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar
says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in
Dublin.
What’s going on?”
“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,� it�s just the Ferguson twins
getting sloshed again.”
You consider duct tape and
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.You can’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
A girls first time
as you lie back your muscles tighten. you put him off for a while searching for an excuse but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. he asks you if you are afraid but you shake your head bravely. he has had more experience but it is the first time that his finger has found the right place. he probes deeply and you shiver. your body tenses but he is gentle like he promised he would be. he looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. his cool smile relaxes you. you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. you plead him to hurry, but he takes it slowly to cause you as little pain as possible.as he presses closer going deeper, you feel tissue give way. you feel a slight treakle of blood as he continues. he looks at you concerned and asks if it too painful. your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. he is now going in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. after a moment you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out, you lay panting glad to have it over with. he looks at you,smiling warmly, and tells you that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
you smile and thank your dentist… after all it was your first time having your tooth pulled out.
by sarah from newcastle
A quote on marriage
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
IRS
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper.” Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie.”
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and
requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story,”
replied
the rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up
to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your
navel.’
The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the
IRS?”
“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
Jewish Dancing
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?”
“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”
“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”
“No”
“Well okay,” says the man, “but what about sex?”
“Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!”
“What about different positions?” the man asks.
“No problem.” says the rabbi
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Why not?” replies the rabbi.
“How about doggie-style?”
“Of course!”
“Well, what about standing up?”
“NO!” says the rabbi… “Could lead to dancing!”
Locked Car
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
New Terms
Some more terms for the TECHNO OFFICE DICTIONARYPerot To quit unexpectedly, as in ‘My cellular phone just perot’ed.’CLM (Career-Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Treeware Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.Dead Tree Edition The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: ‘The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…’ Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. ‘I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.’ World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW.CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Dorito Syndrome Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ‘I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.’ Under Mouse Arrest Getting busted for violating an on-line service’s rule of conduct. ‘Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.’ Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. ‘Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?’ Graybar Land The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). ‘I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.’ Open-Collar Workers People who work at home or telecommute.Squirt The Bird To transmit a signal up to a satellite. ‘Crew and talent are ready… what time do we squirt the bird?’ Cobweb Site A World Wide Web Site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page. It’s a Feature From the adage ‘It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.’ Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. ‘Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.’ Adminisphere The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Salmon Day The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. 404 Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message, ‘404 Not Found’, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located. ‘Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404’. 411 Information, to provide information, or to point someone in the right direction. From the telephone number to phone company information lines. ‘Thanks for the 411’
Campers
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.
I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”
“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
The Ugly Baby
Your Momma so ugly when she was born the doctor turned her around and said ” Look Twins”.