All generalizations are false, including this one. “Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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What I want in a man!
What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking – preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly – bald head okay
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep while I’m talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10.Remembers when…
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing–
Top Ten Reasons for Being American
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you’ve got a driver’s license you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”
10. You can be Irish and American at the same time
Beny y Berny eran una
Beny y Berny eran una pareja de maricas. Beny decide dar una sorpresa a Berny y para ello se tat�a dos bes en el trasero (B B), una en cada nalga.
Cuando llega Berny, �ste s�lo tiene ganas de liarse a Beny. Beny le dice que se espere, que tiene una sorpresa para �l. Pero Berny no espera y le da por detr�s.
Cuando termina, Berny melosamente le pregunta a Beny que cu�l era la sorpresa que le ten�a preparada. Beny agach�ndose con picard�a le dice: “mira mi trasero, �qu� te parece?”
Y Berny intrigado le interroga: “�Bob? �Qui�n es Bob?”
Husbands and Wives, Volume: 73,983,512
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny YoungmanThe best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Ann BancroftAny husband who says. ”My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill CosbyKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. –Benjamin FranklinMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton BerleI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George BurnsWhat’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. — Cindy GarnerWhen women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. — Elaine BooslerI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, ”Where’s the car?” She said, ”In the lake.” — Henny YoungmanNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis DillerMy mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. — Rita RudnerThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny YoungmanPeople are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. — Erma Bombeck
Is That Bull Safe?
A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation.The young man called out to him, “Hey, mister! Is that bull safe?!”To which the farmer shouted back, “Safe as anything! Can’t say the same about you, though!”
Yo mama is so dumb
yo mamas so dumb
yo mamas so dumb- she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnet
yo mamas so dumb- she saw a yellow bus and said,”Stop that Twinkie”
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City.
They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So
where are you from, then?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”
They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“Me too! I’ll drink to that.”
They both finish their pints and order two more.
“Where in Dublin are you from?”
“The East Side.”
“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both
finish their pints and order two more.
“Where on the East Side are you from?”
“McDonagh Street.”
“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar
says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in
Dublin.
What’s going on?”
“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,� it�s just the Ferguson twins
getting sloshed again.”
That hurts
Man walks in a bar.
OUCH!
Software Business
John : So…I believe you started a software business.
Paul : Yep.
John : And how did it go?
Paul : Times were hard.
Coldest Igloo
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.”Wow, that’s colder than mine!”said the first Eskimo.But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.
You consider duct tape and
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.You can’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.