Author: admin

Signs you’ve had too much holiday cheer

Posted on by admin

1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!” 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

A girls first time

Posted on by admin

as you lie back your muscles tighten. you put him off for a while searching for an excuse but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. he asks you if you are afraid but you shake your head bravely. he has had more experience but it is the first time that his finger has found the right place. he probes deeply and you shiver. your body tenses but he is gentle like he promised he would be. he looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. his cool smile relaxes you. you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. you plead him to hurry, but he takes it slowly to cause you as little pain as possible.as he presses closer going deeper, you feel tissue give way. you feel a slight treakle of blood as he continues. he looks at you concerned and asks if it too painful. your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. he is now going in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. after a moment you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out, you lay panting glad to have it over with. he looks at you,smiling warmly, and tells you that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

you smile and thank your dentist… after all it was your first time having your tooth pulled out.

by sarah from newcastle

Coldest Igloo

Posted on by admin

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.”Wow, that’s colder than mine!”said the first Eskimo.But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.

Top Ten Reasons for Being American

Posted on by admin

1. You can have a woman president without electing her

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

3. You can call Budweiser beer

4. You can be a crook and still be president

5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything

6. If you’ve got a driver’s license you can get a gun

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”

10. You can be Irish and American at the same time

Women’s and Men’s English

Posted on by admin

Woman’s English—————– Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry. We need = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later! We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure . . . go ahead = I don’t want you to. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper… Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you’re dead} Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep? I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.Men’s english—————– I’m hungry = I’m hungry. I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy. I’m tired = I’m tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex w/you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you. What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this. What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I’m bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let’s have sex now. I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . we’d better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50.00 and it doesn’t look that much different! Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you’d like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress & let’s go home!!!

A Farmer and His Daughters

Posted on by admin

A small town farmer had 3 daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be somewhat over-protective of them. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them
with a shotgun to make sure that they knew who was boss.

One evening all of his daughters had plans. The doorbell rang,
the farmer got his shotgun and answered the door. A young
gentleman said, “Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here for Flo. We’re going to
the show – Is she ready to go?” The farmer frowned, but decided
to let them go.

The doorbell rang again a few minutes later, the farmer got his
shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said, “Hi, I’m
Eddie. I’m here for Betty, We’re gonna get spaghetti – Is she
ready?” The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again after a couple of minutes. The farmer
got his shotgun and answered the door. A young gentleman said,
“Hi, I’m Chuck…” And the farmer shot him.