A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she’s so down and she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.” “What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too.” So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap- on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door.”What’s going on?”, she asks.”I thought you wanted to get kinky?”He turns around and says, “I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”
Author: admin
Clinton’s Ghostly Visitations
One night, George Washington�s ghost in the White House awakened Bill Clinton.
Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
“Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.
Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the
shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?” Clinton asked. “Go to the theatre.”
Come To The Party
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. “Name’s Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin’ a party Saturday. Thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” says Sam. “After six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’, too.”
Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”
“Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam. “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.”
Bricklayer’s Accident Report
This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Michael Barrymore
Michael barrymore has offered manchester united �1 million pounds to play as
their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 a******* jumping
up and down.
Man
A remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat
his back.
Yo mumma
your momma is so dumb she sat on the t.v and watched the sofa
your momma is so stupid when she got locked in the supermarket she starved to death
your momma so stupid when she got locked in the toilet she pissed herself
The perfect gift for people
The perfect gift for people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Horrible fact
one day the tramps callled USA occupied a holy land after polluting it theu turned around to pollute other holy lands of the soldiers of Allah poor guys they don,t what is waiting for them the HILL.
History of My Name
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?”
She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”
Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?”
She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”
“And why is my other sister called Moon child?”
The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”
The Mom paused and then asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?�
Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.”
Man
why did the man fall over?
because he ran to fast