A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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The Top 17 Rejected Band Names
The Top 17 Rejected Band Names 17> Motley J. Crew 16> Pearl Bailey Jam 15> Derek from Dominos Here’s Your Pizza 14> Marilyn Hanson 13> WHAM! Bam! Thank You, Hand 12> Strongly Worded Letter-Writing Campaign Against the Machine 11> Kenneth Starrship 10> Goyz II Mensch 9> Yo’ Mamas and Yo’ Papas 8> 38DD Special 7> Porno For Pedos 6> Nuns ‘N’ Rosaries 5> MiniVan Halen 4> Nine Inch Males 3> Wait-D.M.V 2> Puff, The Magic Daddy and the Number 1 Rejected Band Name… 1> The Yeastie Girls
Redneck Hotel
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
He Might Know You
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”
The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”
The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”
The man replied “Chicago”
The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”
The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”
The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”
The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”
The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”
Smoke Alarm
Your mama is so fat whenever she farts the smoke alarm goes off.
Brave
General Randolf was in charge of the Air Force, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
Randolf arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and Randolf asks, “So how are your men?”
Marshall replies, “Very well-trained, General Randolf.”
“I hope so,” responds Randolf. “You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.”
“Well, my men are very brave, too,” said General Marshall.
“I’d like to see that,” replied General Randolf.
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says, “Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
The private replied, “Are you fucking crazy? It’d kill me, you asshole! I’m out of here!”
As private Cooper ran away, General Marshall turned to a bewildered General Randolf and said, “You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw…
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
3 Burglers
There were three burglers. One night, they decided to make a
heist at the bank. So that evening, they put on their black
shirts, black pants, black shoes, ski masks, etc. They quietly
snuck to the bank, and broke in. Too bad the alarm went off. So,
they ran. They came to a garbage dump, and went off to find
hiding places. All three of them crept into bags, and waited.
The police finaly came to the garbage dump, and split up to look
for them. One officer came upon a burgler (hidden in the bag, of
course). “Hey, Joe!” cried the officer, “I think I found one of
’em!” So he kicked the bag to make sure. The burgler, thinking
fast, whispered “meow”. “Oh, never mind. It’s just a cat. Keep
lookin’! So, they kept looking. Another officer came to the
second burgler in a bag. Thinking fast, the burgler went “Ffft!”
So, thinking it was a cat, the officer went away. Now, the third
burgler was a tad stupid. When the officers came to him, an
officer kicked the bag. The burgler whispered, “Pootaatoooos…”
Knitting and driving
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… “Pull over!””No,” she shouts back, “a pair of socks!”
On a home’s kitchen wall:…
On a home’s kitchen wall:
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Diskette –
Diskette – A female Disco dancer.Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Interolrable Weather and Sterotypes.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 degrees:
Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 degrees:
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50 degrees:
Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 degrees:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 degrees:
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 degrees:
Italian cars don’t start
* 32 degrees:
Water freezes
* 30 degrees:
You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 degrees:
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
* 20 degrees:
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 degrees:
French cars don’t start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 degrees:
You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 degrees:
American cars don’t start
* 0 degrees:
Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 degrees:
German cars don’t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 degrees:
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 degrees:
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don’t start
* -25 degrees:
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 degrees:
You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don’t start
* -40 degrees:
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your cat helps you plan your trip South
* -50 degrees:
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 degrees:
Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 degrees:
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!