We have a traditional marriage. . . My husband goes out and gets the bacon,
and I stay home and burn it.
I’m a terrible housekeeper; even my little white lies are tattletale gray.
My housekeeping is so bad….. that after doing it for 21 years I�m still not
on a first name basis with Mr. Clean.
I’m a terrible cook…its official…Ralph Nader came over and declared my
“Cuisinart” unsafe at any speed.
Motherhood is an unfair job, it requires you have all the fun before it even
begins.
I must be an agnostic. Most of the time I doubt God’s existence, but on the
first day of school . . . I’m a believer.
They live under your roof, they eat your food, they spend your money . . .
then they get married . . . hire live-in maids and break your heart.
I’m at that awkward age: I have a kid who can’t wait to get behind the wheel
of a car and I can’t manage without bifocals.
Author: admin
Usenet
“Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea — massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.” — Gene Spafford
L and R
A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying them on, the daughter asks, “Why have they got L and R on them?”
Her mother replied, “So you know which feet to put them on.”
Her daughter then says, “Is that why I have C and A written on my knickers?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Job Sharing
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. “How are things at the office going, Claudia ?” she asked from the bed.
“Well, they’re all sharing your work: Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss.”
How many chiropractors does it take to screw…
How many chiropractors does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
Only one but he will need 150 follow-ups.
Chemist’s last words
The last words of a chemist:19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25… 26… 27…20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
Wear Your Sweater
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “That’s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’, I ask. She says, ‘Wear your sweater.'”
The knot
A string walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer.
The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.”
The string goes home, ties him in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back
to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”
The waiter says,”Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier.”
The knot replies, “No, I’m a fraud knot.”
The Smart Clerk!
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –
“W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?”
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
Wanna Ice Fish?
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do
some ice fishing.
They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was
frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait
shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice
pick.”
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back
at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He
sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve
got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are
you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water
yet.”
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
25. It’s OK to bleed during play
24. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time-out
23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.
22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.
21. You can still play when you get married.
20. You can change on the fly.
19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.
18. If you can’t get it up, who cares.
17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.
16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.
15. It is broadcast live on TV.
14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.
13. You can shoot in the goal and it’s a good thing.
12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.
11. You always know how big the stick is.
10. It’s legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don’t ever have to
wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last twenty minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards
And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex—A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.
25 Differences Between College And High School
25 Differences Between College And High School
In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
In college, there are no tardy slips.
In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)
In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
In college, weekends start on Thursday.
In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
Once you’ve obtained the information described in #16, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).
College women are legal.
In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.