The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?””Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?””Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
Author: admin
The Honeymoon’s Over!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. “But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Now Sarah . . .” her mother answered. “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter.
“I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!”
Q: How many witches
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
Saddaam killed his wife!!
Did you hear Saddaam Hussein killed his wife??
yea, he looked up her skirt and saw a Bush!
THEATER ETIQUETTE
–Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after
the movie has ended.
–Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can’t hear you.
Fresh Blood
A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn’t going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
“OK!” he said with exasperation, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”
Arkansas High Schools
Q: Why can’t they have sexed and drivers ed on the same day in Arkansas high
schools?
A: It’s too hard on the mule!
If you’re stupid
The teacher asked that if anyone thinks they are stupid to stand up. The class is shocked when they see Nick stand up. The teacher asks Nick “why are you standing up?” Nick replies: “I didn’t want you to feel alone”
Yankee
What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q: How many Bill
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two–one to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
Things Guys Should Know About Girls
Things guys should know about girls:
1. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy
listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing
something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don’t.
8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want
relationships.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr. Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it.
16. We are DrAmA queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don’t ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might
get it.
19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems,
paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs everyday so get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us; we always find out.
23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or
mustache looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other
strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s; hers are
fake, just remember that. (You have a better shot at ours
than you ever will with hers)
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful at all times.
28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we
aren’t.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys,
and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can’t
you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don’t forget it.
Headline – Kidney Transplant
Newspaper Headline:
“Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years”