The puzzle.

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks “What’s the puzzle supposed to look like?”
The blonde says “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

So, the blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

“First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”

“Second, I’d advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!”

Did I say…

An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 80-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?”

“Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.”

The doctor said, “After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Jesus was…

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone “brother”
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure that he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen!!!

Funniest joke EVER!!!!!!!

There was a British, a polish, and a Frenchman. They were in a plane that had crashed. They were all really hot as they walked across the desert. After a hour, they saw a magic lamp. They shook it up and saw a genie come out. The genie told them that they each got one wish.

They British wished for a fan to cool down. The Polish wished for a jug of water so he could drink it. The Frenchman wished for a car door, so when he got hot, he could pull down the window.

Dumbbells

Professor Granger addressed his class: “If there are any dumbbells in the
room, please stand up.”

After a long pause, a lone freshman stood.

“And why do you consider yourself a dumbbell?” asked the professor.

“Well, I don’t, sir. But I hate to see you standing all by yourself.”

What is your name?

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others’ friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, “How soon do you have to know?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Hours to Live

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, “I’m sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live”.

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her husband and states, “I want to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex.”

To which her husband exclaims, “That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to get up in the morning!”

Colors of Your Sex

If your favorite color is:

RED Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors should beware!

YELLOW If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don’t panic, not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce to the stronger partner’s desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you enjoy or admire.

PURPLE Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else’s gratification.

BLACK Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black attire.

GREEN Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

PINK Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they flaunt their femininity – but because they secretly hate men.

A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.

ORANGE People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner’s hair and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the ballyhoo add up to nothing.

BROWN If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can’t say “I Love You” often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can’t get excited about anything – including colors – so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, (nothing more, nothing less). It’s wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Women who prefer Gray don’t make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another color, the Gray spouse considers the color’s infidelity a blessing.

BLUE Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate – never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

WHITE If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names for their genitals.