Yours Fun Portal !
A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
Dear Dad & Mom,Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we’re all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.Oh yea! Please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did, also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car.He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about us not wearing the life jackets.He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.Love, Your son, Cole– Submitted by Angela Tuttle
Princess Di and Dolly parden have both died and are waiting to go through the gates of heaven when God comes out and says that there has been a mistake and only one of them gets in so God says why don’t both of you tell me about your self and I will decide who gets in so Dolly puts her chest high and says well God I do have a pretty nice pair, Di stands infront and says yes God Dolly does have a nice pair, but I just douched and a Rolal Flush beats a pair…
Little Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately the
baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the
hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny’s family over to
see the new baby.
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a
wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a
long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He
said, “Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want
you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his
ears, or I’m really going to spank your butt when we get back
home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little
Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and
touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh
what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced
herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said,
“Thank you very much Little Johnny.”
He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect
little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes…Did the
doctor say he can see good?” The mother said a bit bewildered,
“Why yes…the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a damn good thing, ’cause he
sure as hell can’t wear glasses!!
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid.” That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign!”
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign!”
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign!”
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign!”
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked “So…is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “No, I’m delivering a bridge… here’s your sign!”
“Darling,” murmured the girl to her boyfriend, “when did you first realize that you were in love with me?”
“Well, I suppose..” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”
Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, “HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?! “
.. and one of the guys says,
“the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE”
posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
> o’clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the
> Clifton
> Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
>
> Posh turns to Becks and says: “David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!”
> to
> which Beckham replies “5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” So they
> shake
> hands on the bet and continue watching.
>
> Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
> Beckham
> takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she
> refuses.
> “I
> can’t take your money, David,” she says. “The truth is, I was cheating.
> I
> saw the five o’clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”
>
> “No, babe, fair’s fair” says David. “That money is yours fair and
> square. I
> was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o’clock news, too. I
> just
> didn’t think he would do it again.”
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Idiot.
Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God ………. Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
And God Created Woman.
And She was Good.
She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.
And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself.
She asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob?
And God created Man!
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.” Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.”
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: “The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.”