Author: admin

Pilot’s Announcement

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In a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is
turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their
seatbelts. After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and
says, “I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job
right about now,” not realizing that the intercom is still on.

A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom
was on. Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back
yells, “Hey babe, don’t forget the coffee!”

Life Down South

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Salesman to boy answering the door…….”Hi, is your mother in?”

“Yes, said the boy, she’s out in the back yard screwing the goat.”

“I don’t believe it,” said the salesman.

The boy says: “Come and see for yourself.”

So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the goat screwing the mother.

The salesman said to the boy, “Isn’t she afraid she’ll get pregnant?”

The boy says… “N.-a-a-a-a-a-a-“

What I’ve Learned

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WHAT I’VE LEARNED…… I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing ‘Silent Night.’ Age 6I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13 I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 26I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there.Age 29 I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.Age 41I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card.Age 44 I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.Age 46 I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I’ve learned that singing ‘Amazing Grace’ can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from from the phone. Age 50I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage.Age 61 I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.Age 62I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.Age 64I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer.Age 72 I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several.Age 73 I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.Age 82I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the butt.Age 85I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.Age 92

Cybersex Discussion

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Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:{logged off}

I was trying to tell you that I was coming

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself,
so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this
guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning
“need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand
saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

Mix and Match Movie Titles

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“American Beauty and the Beast”The Beast has a midlife crisis and takes a job at a fast-food restaurant, while the Beauty has an affair with a real-estate tycoon. “The Straight Love Story” Ryan O’Neal tragically runs over Ali McGraw while mowing his lawn. “That Girl, Interrupted” Marlo Thomas goes to the nuthouse. “The Talented Mr. Whipple”An elderly toilet-paper spokes- man goes on a killing spree in Europe, murdering anyone who squeezes the Charmin. “Soylent Green Mile” Charlton Heston finds out what prison food is really made of. “All About My Mummy” Pedro Almodovar’s bittersweet saga about a 3,000-year-old mummy and his struggle to find love in the modern world. “The Animal House Rules” A group of frat boys, led by John Belushi, drink too much hard cider and open an abortion clinic, with predictably wacky results. “Boys From Brazil Don’t Cry”Gregory Peck clones Adolf Hitler, who fools all the other Nazis into thinking he’s a she, with predictably wacky results. “Barefoot in South Park — Bigger, Longer and Uncut” A couple of young newlyweds meet Cartman, Kenny and the gang. “With Sixth Sense You Get Eggroll” A young boy is haunted by images of Doris Day movies. “The Remains of the Day of the Jackal” A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle. “Singing in the Black Rain” A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the crap out of Gene Kelly. “A Few Good Mallrats”Jack Nicholson, having been drummed out of the Marines, is now working as a mall security guard. “You want me in that mall, you need me in that mall!” “Paradise Lost in Space” Satan is sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist and two annoying children.

Dandruff

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There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”