You just might be a Red Neck if . . . . .
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with. More than
one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general. Your front
porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Author: admin
Bowling for Blondes!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The Brunette asks, “What the heck’s goin’ on up here? We’re havin’ a grand time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says…
“Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!”
Years of Bad Sex
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad sex,” she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That,” said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowin’ the difference!”
Redneck quickies 33
You might be a redneck if…
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”
Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair.
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
Gator Balls
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. ”I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up, ”I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
I was trying to tell you that I was coming
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself,
so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this
guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning
“need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand
saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”
Pilot’s Announcement
In a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is
turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their
seatbelts. After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and
says, “I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job
right about now,” not realizing that the intercom is still on.
A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom
was on. Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back
yells, “Hey babe, don’t forget the coffee!”
volkswagon
What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon?Far-from-thinkin’.
Ugly Faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that.”
The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Oral & Anal?
Q: What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What do women think about sex
what do women think about sex:
at age 12 egnore it
at age 16 think about it
at age 20 do it
at age 30 forget it
at age 10000000000000000 want it
Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our
Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.