Author: admin

The Worst Journey in the World
by Helen Back

An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody.”

There’s a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said,”No! I don’t wanna!” But his mother says,”Yes, you have to.” So Timmy says,”Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?” The mother says,”Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don’t look up or down.” Timmy says,”O.K., I won’t.” So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,”What’s that Mommy?” She says,”Well Timmy, that’s my apple.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Then Timmy looks up and says,”What’s that Mommy?” She replies,”Well Timmy, those are my cookies.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him,”Time to take a bath Timmy.” Timmy says,”No, I don’t want to.” His father says,”Well you have to.” Timmy says,”Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?” His father says,”Well O.K., but don’t look down!” Timmy says,”O.K., I won’t.” Then while they’re in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says,”What’s that Daddy?” His father says,”Well Timmy, that’s my worm.” Timmy says,”Ohhhhh, O.K.” Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says,”Mommy! Mommy! Daddy’s eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!”

Once there was a preacher’s wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the “damn ham.”

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I’M THE PREACHER’S WIFE!”

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, “Oh, no ma’am it’s called the ‘damn ham.'” She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the “damn ham.” He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.

“HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I’M THE PREACHER!”

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the “damn ham.”

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the “damn ham.”

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, “That’s the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.”

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.

The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”

“We will always remember you,” etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied.

“I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staffmember. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman