The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, “Yo, bucko, where’s your crapper?”The head waiter calmly replied, “Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked ‘Gentlemen’, pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside.”
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Saxophone joke
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?A: It’s all in the grip.
Some things you can’t explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.””Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked.The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked. “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.””And then?””Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.””Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked.”Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”
Expensive Parrots
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
points to three identical birds and says, “The parrot to your
left costs $500.” The man asks, “Why does the parrot costs so
much?” The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer. He
can diagnose system bugs.”
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one
costs $1000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do
plus it knows how to configure and use UNIX.”
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third
parrot and is told, “That one costs $2000.” Needless to say,
this begs the question, “What can IT do?” The owner shrugs and
replies, “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing, but the
other two call him Boss!”
If all the world’s a
If all the world’s a stage,
I want more props!
Q: How many movie
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer is 7.
(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;
(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;
(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;
(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;
(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
ATENCI�N: DIPLOMADO EN FUNCION CEREBRAL
ATENCI�N: DIPLOMADO EN FUNCION CEREBRAL PARA EL HOMBRE DE HOY
Objetivo del diplomado:
Iniciar al hombre en esa experiencia fascinante que es el pensar con la cabeza y no con el…
Requisitos:
Mayores de 25 a�os.
Programa:
El diplomado est� dividido en los siguientes cinco m�dulos:
M�DULO I: Pensar con la cabeza.
1. C�mo platicar con una mujer sin ver su escote.
2. C�mo identificar a una mujer de espaldas sin tener que ver sus caderas.
3. Nociones b�sicas: C�mo evitar una erecci�n en medios de transporte.
4. Aprendiendo a gastar lo necesario en el Table Dance.
M�DULO II: Dependencias.
1. Aprendiendo a ‘vivir’ sin el Viagra.
2. Cocina b�sica: C�mo hacer huevos estrellados sin que se te rompa la yema (teor�a y pr�ctica).
3. Aprendiendo a endulzar tu caf� sin tirar az�car en la mesa.
M�DULO III: Organizaci�n.
1. S� es posible limpiar la mesa cuando se te cae comida.
2. Din�mica de grupo: aprendiendo a servir el jugo del refrigerador en vasos(no incluye material de apoyo).
3. Pr�ctica de campo: T� puedes orinar sin salpicar el inodoro.
4. C�mo levantar la tapa del inodoro (teor�a y pr�ctica).
5. At�nale cuando est�s borracho.
6. At�nale cuando llevas prisa.
7. Cuidado con la gotita traicionera. Aprende a controlarlo (3 sesiones din�micas).
8. T� puedes dejar tus trusas sin sello.
9. C�mo lavar tus calzoncillos.
10. Aprendiendo a tener verg�enza
11. Significado de la palabra verg�enza (te�rico 6 h).
12. Significado de la palabra verg�enza II (te�rico y practico 4 h). Incluye ‘Aprende a lavar tus trusas II’.
M�DULO IV: Televisi�n.
1. �Por qu� la TV no puede ser m�s importante que las mujeres?
2. Todo lo que no puede hacer una televisi�n.
3. Te�rico: 2 h sala.
4. Pr�ctica: Mesa y cocina 2 h.
5. Pr�ctica de campo: cama 6 h.
6. La TV y el sexo.
7. Falta de concentraci�n: C�mo afecta en el sexo.
8. Pel�cula de acci�n: C�mo afecta en el sexo.
9. El f�tbol y la impotencia.
M�DULO V: Abriendo los ojos a la realidad
1. Las tristes realidades: Aprendiendo a aceptarte. Con psic�logos profesionales para cualquier atenci�n inesperada que requieras.
2. La panza no es sexy.
3. Tama�o est�ndar (no eres nada extraordinario).
4. La boca y los hollejos de frijoles.
5. No es lo mismo los tres mosqueteros que 20 a�os despu�s (ni t� lo mismo de hace 5 a�os… ni a los 5 min.).
SOLICITA YA TU LUGAR.
�CUPO LIMITADO!
your mamma has one big tittie and one small…
your mamma has one big tittie and one small tittie and they call the bitch biggie smalls
your mamma so ugly the shot gorrilliaz in the mist in ther shower
your mamma so fat her nikename is DAY-UM!
your mamma so fat whene i was having sex with
here i rolled over 9 times and i was still on the bitch
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Mexico
Your mama is so fat that when she farted she made Mexico