Yo mama so fat she farted and made the Grand canyon.
Author: admin
Why is it called “after
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Q: How many Newtons
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Is That a Record
In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca
label.
Henry Buses had a hot hit titled, “Hot Lips.” A lady heard the record on the
radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the
record shop and called them.
Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she
got “Hank’s Auto Body.”
She said, “Do you have ‘Hot Lips’ on a ten-inch Decca?”
Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, “Well, uh, ma’am, no, but I do
have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!”
A slight pause.
The lady said, “Is that a record?”
“I don’t know, ma’am, but it’s a damned good average.”
It’s Not My Job!
It’s Not My Job!
Convention
I boarded an airplane in Boston and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. Low and behold, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation, I blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business”.
“I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer�, she responded.
“I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really�, I said, “what myths are those?”
“Well�, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry”, she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto�, I said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”
Batteries v. Men
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A: Batteries last longer.
Saxophone joke
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?A: It’s all in the grip.
Hit the Monkey
2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer “Well watch this.”
He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, “Wanna try that?”
He answered “Sure. Just don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey.”
Blonde quickies 161-180
161. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Q: Why aren’t there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don’t get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don’t leave trails, like little snails.
164. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
165. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde’s vagina?
A: The Blonde!
166. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
167. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-
1.
168. Q: Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Season”
169. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she’d ever been picked up by ‘the fuzz’?
A: ‘No. But I’ve been swung around by the tits.’
170. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
171. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
172. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
173. Q: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
A: An air mattress.
174. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
175. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All…
176. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
177. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
178. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
179. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide-and-seek champ.
180. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?
A: A Space Invader.
Top Ten Signs You Might be a Sysadmin
10. You see a bumper sticker that says “Users are Losers” and you have no idea it is referring to drugs.
9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl.
8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college.
7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people.
6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion.
5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation.
4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school.
3. “What? No raise? No Backups, then!”
2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System.
1. You have ever uttered the phrase “I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants.”
Learning information
Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, ‘Mike, you wait here, I’m going to run in for confession, it’s been a long time’.Pat enters the confessional and says,’ Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman’.The priest asks, ‘was it Mrs Murphy’? ‘no, Father’, was the reply.’Was it Mrs O’Boyle’? Again the reply was ‘No, Father’.’Was it Mrs. O’Grady’? Pat said, Father, I’ll not be teling you the lady’s name!So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary’s for each time he had sinned with the woman.Back on the street, Mike said, ‘Well, how did you do’? Pat said, ‘Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects’!