There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, “Gee, I haven’t had a pea in forty years.” The barman then yells to the entire pub, “Quick, anyone who can’t swim grab a chair!”
Author: admin
Crazy blonde
How do you make a blonde go crazy?
Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
Things NOT to say on a date
Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.I used to come here all the time with my ex.I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.I like clay. It’s mushy.I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground… Man! I never knew Jehovah’s Witnesses could run that fast.
Oops broken finger
Blondie went to a doctor complaining of body pains.
Blondie: “Oh doctor every where I touch it hurts, if I touch my arm it hurts, if I touch my face it hurts.”
Doctor: “Let me take a look at you.”
Doctor: “Blondie your finger is broken.”
Blondie: “Oops”
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Calamjo
Scottish Old Timer
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-fence- Builder? Noooo…”
Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor- the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. . . “But ya fuck one goat…”
Drunken Bases in Symphony Performance
There was this big performance of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. At
one point in this piece the bases have absolutely nothing to do
for pages and pages, and it so happened there was a little
tavern across the street from the concert hall. So, when they
began their endless rests they quietly put down their
instruments, and discreetly slipped out to get some drinks.
After a couple rounds one of the bases pointed out that perhaps
they should go back so they wouldn’t be late. Another base said,
“No, don’t worry. I took care of it! You see, I tied the end of
the conductors music together, so when he gets close to the end
he’ll have to slow the tempo way down while he tries to untie
it!” The others agree this is a good idea and order another
round.
After the next round they head back to the concert hall and the
conductor looks really angry! After all, it was the bottom of
the 9th, the score was tied, and the bases were loaded!
La mam� de Pepito estaba
La mam� de Pepito estaba a punto de tener un hermanito. Un d�a Pepito entr� cuando su mam� estaba desnuda y le pregunt� qu� era el pelo que ten�a entre las piernas.
Ella respondi�, “Es mi trapo de limpieza.”
Semanas despu�s la mam� tuvo a su beb�, y Pepito entr� otra vez cuando ella estaba desnuda, pero en el hospital el doctor le hab�a rasurado el vello p�bico. Pepito le pregunt�: “�Qu� le pas� a tu trapo de limpieza?”
“Se me perdi�.”
Pepito, tratando de ser �til, empez� a buscar el trapo de limpiar de su mam�. Unos d�as despu�s Pepito entr� corriendo adonde estaba su mam�, y le dijo “Encontr� tu trapo de limpieza.”
“�D�nde lo encontraste?”
“Lo tiene la sirvienta. Est� lavando la cara de mi pap� con �l.”
Drum joke
What is your IQ?Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he’ll ask his guests what their I.Q. is–hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.The day of Bob’s party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.”200,000″ replies the first guest.”Well, that’s great,” says Bob, let’s talk about ethereal astro physics.Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.Later in the party, someone else is at the door. “Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what’s your I.Q.?”The new guest responds with “250”.”Great,” says Bob. “Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. “Hi, my name’s Bob; welcome to my party, what’s your I.Q.?”This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it “five”.”Well, that’s great,” says Bob, “what kind of drumsticks do you use?”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.60. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Watches Are Falling
One day 3 guys met in a hotel. A gambler who always won money, A
show off, and a lonely guy who had no friends. This lonely guy
needed money. He decided to place a bet with the gambler and the
show off. He knew that there was a huge problem with his watch,
but he didn’t know what, so he decided to place a bet with it.
We will all throw our watch out the window on the 14th floor the
lonely guy said.
You will have to run down those stairs, go out the door, and
catch it. The person who catches it at the bottom wins. If no
one catches it no one wins anything. The other two guys thought
this was realy dumb, but they decided to give it a shot. The
gambler went first. He got to the 6th floor when the watch hit
the ground. MAN! The show off went next. He got to the 4th floor
when it hit the ground. SHOOT! The lonely guy went last. He
threw it out the window. He walked down the stairs, went to his
favorite coffee shop, went home to watch his favorite television
show, and came back and caught the watch. They both owed him
$500.00! Wow the 2 guys said. Here’s your money. But how did you
do that? The lonely guy finally found out what was wrong with
his watch. I don’t know how I won he said. I guess my watch is
slow.
blonde sientiest
there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.
Q: How many Unix
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.