Author: admin

Girl Carpenter

Posted on by admin

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One
day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot.

The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew – gems in
the rough all of them – more or less adopted her as a kind of
project
mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her
feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her
very own pay
check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a
crew building a house all week”.

“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be
working on the house again this week too?”

“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever
bring us the fucking bricks”, replied the little girl.

THE DIE HARD FAN

Posted on by admin

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl.
He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was
somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up
there. He couldn’t see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He
reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was
seating there.

The man replied, “No.” So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

“Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?”

The man answers, “Oh, that was my wife’s seat.”

“Where is she?” the guy replied.

“She died.”

“Oh, I’m sorry…don’t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or
friend?”

“No, they couldn’t come.”

“Why?”

“Because they are at her funeral.”

Perry Coma

Posted on by admin

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many
months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the
doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the
hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had
seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the
husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in
her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and
announced that she was dead!
“How did that happen?” asked the doctor.
“I think she choked to death,” said the husband.

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new…

Posted on by admin

An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldn’t take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, “Honey, next Friday we’re going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. We’ll get a condo on the golf course and I’m going to play
golf all weekend.”

“That sounds fine,” she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, “Mind if I play along?”

The exec. said, “Fine. Glad to have the company.”

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasn’t a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.

“Whoa,” he said. “That’s a high powered rifle!”

“Look,” said the other man. “I’m not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.”

“No. No,” said the exec. “I’m just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.”

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, “Well, I’ll tell you. It’s
my business. It’s what I do for a living.”

“Wow,” said the other. “I’ve heard about guys like you, but I’ve never met one
before.”

“Still want me to play?” said the other.

“Sure,” said the Erie exec. “As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?”

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, “Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there’s my wife.” He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, “she doesn’t have any clothes on.” He
looked through the scope again. “Damn, there’s a guy with her.”

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. “How much do you
charge?”

“$10,000 a bullet,” said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, “Do it.”

“Which one?” said the hit man.

“Both,” said the exec.

“That’s $20,000, you know.”

“I don’t care. hit ’em both.”

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. “Where do
you want me to get the man?” he asked.

“You know where to hit him,” said the exec.

“How about the woman?”

“In the mouth. She’s always flapping her gums anyway.”

“Ok,” said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. “Mister,” he said, “I think
I’m going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.”

Lawyers advice

Posted on by admin

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.” Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.” So Harry yells down to the man, “Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?”The man on the ground yells back, “You’re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.” George turns to Harry and says, “that man is a lawyer.” “How can you tell?”, inquires Harry. George answers, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”

Drunken Bases in Symphony Performance

Posted on by admin

There was this big performance of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. At
one point in this piece the bases have absolutely nothing to do
for pages and pages, and it so happened there was a little
tavern across the street from the concert hall. So, when they
began their endless rests they quietly put down their
instruments, and discreetly slipped out to get some drinks.

After a couple rounds one of the bases pointed out that perhaps
they should go back so they wouldn’t be late. Another base said,
“No, don’t worry. I took care of it! You see, I tied the end of
the conductors music together, so when he gets close to the end
he’ll have to slow the tempo way down while he tries to untie
it!” The others agree this is a good idea and order another
round.

After the next round they head back to the concert hall and the
conductor looks really angry! After all, it was the bottom of
the 9th, the score was tied, and the bases were loaded!

Sardarji Editor

Posted on by admin

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was traveling
to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach
was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so
sardarji’s coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the
speech.
Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards
improvement of railway department was: “There should not be last coach in any
train.”

Una tortuga se fue de

Posted on by admin

Una tortuga se fue de vacaciones para Cartagena, e iba caminando muy tranquila, cuando de pronto, a la orilla de la carretera sale una lagartija y le dice:

“Adi�s, se�ora tortuga. �Ad�nde va?”

“A Cartagena, de vacaciones”, contesta la tortuga.

“Ll�veme por favor, yo no peso mucho y me puedo ir en su caparaz�n”.

La tortuga, disgustada, la manda a comer mierda y prosigue su camino.

La lagartija, ofendida, deja que se aleje un poco y cautelosamente la sigue y sin que lo note se le sube en el caparaz�n. As� viajaron durante largo tiempo, hasta que a su paso sale un sapo que le pregunta a la tortuga:

“�Ad�nde va, se�ora tortuga?”

“A Cartagena”.

“�Y usted, se�ora lagartija?”, le pregunta el sapo.

“�Hasta aqu�, sapo hijueputa!”

Diaster

Posted on by admin

One day, the queen mother, Ian paisley, ian paisleys son and
Nelson mandela were taking a plane trip. To the horror of the
passengers the plane had spiralled out of control.

There were only 5 parchutes and 6 people. So the two pilots
took the first two parachutes and jumped out of the plane,
leaving 4 people and only three parachutes.

So Ian paisley said to the queen mother “you should go your
highness, you’re much too important to England to die” so she
took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
Then Ian paisley said to Nelson mandela “sir, you should go,
your people need you” So Nelson mandela took a parachute and
jumped out of the plane.
Ian paisley’s son piped up “Da what about us?? theres only 1
left!!!”
But Paisley laughed and said “Dont worry son, I gave that black
bastard your schoolbag!!!!!!!”