– You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife
drunk.
– You ever cut your grass and found a car.
– You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
– You think the stock market has a fence around it.
– Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
– Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15
years.
– You own a homemade fur coat.
– The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
– You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
– Birds are attracted to your beard.
– Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
– You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
– You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
– You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
– Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
– You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
– You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
– You clean your fingernails with a stick.
– Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
– You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
– Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
– Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
– Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
– You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
– There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.
– The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
– There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
– You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
– The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape.
– You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
– You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
– You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
– You’re considered an expert on worm beds.
– You take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
– The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your
house.
– People hear your car a long time before they see it.
– The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
– You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
– You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
– You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
– You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
– You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
– You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
– You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
– You consider a bug zapper entertainment.
– Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
– Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
– Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”
– Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
– You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
– Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
– You see no need to stop at a rest stop ’cause you have an
empty milk jug.
– You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
– The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
– You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill….
– You consider gravel “home improvement”.