THE MEN’S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISHWe need = I wantIt’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want = You’ll pay for this laterWe need to talk = I need to complainSure… go ahead = I don’t want you toI’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lotYou’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my periodBe romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighsThis kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new houseI want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleepDo you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensiveHow much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to likeI’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TVIs my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautifulYou have to learn to communicate = Just agree with meAre you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]Yes = NoNo = NoMaybe = NoI’m sorry = You’ll be sorryDo you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to itWas that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is importantAll we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? THE WOMEN’S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH”I’m hungry” = I’m hungry”I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy”I’m tired” = I’m tired”Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you”Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!”You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I’d like to have sex with you”What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this”What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?”What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question”I’m bored” = Do you want to have sex?”I love you” = Let’s have sex now”I love you, too” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!”Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = I liked it better before”Yes, I like the way you cut your hair” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!”Let’s talk” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me”Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys”I like that one better” (while shopping) = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!