“Hello…Welcome to the Psychiatrict Hotline…
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependant, ask someone to press 2.
If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call.
If you are schizophrenic, a little voice will tell you what to do.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what you do, nobody cares anyway.”