25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
24> Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
20> Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
19> Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
18> Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
17> Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
16> Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
15> Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
14> Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
13> Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
12> Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
11> Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
10> Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
9> Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
8> Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
7> Start work on new book: “Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.”
6> Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
5> Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
4> Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
3> Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
2> Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
1> Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]