17> Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called “Santa Kurtz.”
16> Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
15> Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
14> Has a complimentary tray of North Pole “Tundra Oysters” ready for the toddlers.
13> After every child’s request, asks, “Wouldn’t you rather have a nice big bag of clams?”
12> The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
11> Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re going down, punk!”
10> Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9> Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8> “Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!”
7> Insists on blowing his nose in children’s hair.
6> Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5> That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair.
4> Answers every child’s toy request with “Dream on, pee wee!”
3> Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
2> Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1> While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1997, 1999 by Chris White ]