16> Auto mechanics who don’t ask how the barbecue sauce got into my engine oil.
15> Suppression of our e-mail addresses means we’re not constantly inundated by messages from humor-starved supermodels.
14> After memorizing those funny hurricane names, I’m always the life of the party!
13> Despite the revenue hit Chris has taken with the drop in Internet advertising, he still only charges us $2,500 a year to be contributors.
12> We only need to be half as funny as the Top Ten writers.
11> If it weren’t for TopFive, I would never get laid. Come to think of it, I never get laid anyway, but at least with TopFive, I can hold on to the false hope.
10> That all the dates from hell I endure will make a great chapter in my eventual VH-1 biography.
9> At long last, the glorious return of Alf to television!
8> Soft summer rains, the musical laugh of a child… and Britney Spears getting sluttier by the minute.
7> With all the valuable skills I’m learning, one day I, too, might become President of the United States.
6> The Statute of Limitations.
5> Well, you know that feeling of exhilaration combined with relief that you get when you pop a big fat zit?
4> Mom’s three jobs and arthritis won’t stop her from cooking up a 27-course feast and serving it to me on the couch so I don’t have to miss any football.
3> J.Lo took that needy, clingy Ben Affleck off my hands.
2> Chris always fixes hour spelling, grammer and punctuation so, we dont look stupid.
1> I’m thankful that I live in a great nation where I can still disagree with the government without fear of the Homeland Security DepartIPpa*)#^%#8000 NO CARRIER