16> That fancy hat didn’t fully cover your horns or the “666” on your scalp.
15> You never bothered to get your GED after dropping out of the High School of Cardinals.
14> “Cardinal Liebowitz” has a funny ring to it.
13> The long sleeves of the Cardinal’s vestments couldn’t quite hide the “OZZY” and “RULZ” tattoos on your knuckles.
12> The ceremony was scheduled at the same time as an all-new episode of “Punk’d.”
11> Your proposed “Sacrament of Oral Reciprocation” didn’t go over very well.
10> They found andro in your locker and there are rumors that you cork your crucifix.
9> Maybe it was that entrance essay entitled “Straight Popin’: Tales of a Vatican Hustla.”
8> Evidently, your mass in Pig Latin wasn’t as amusing as you’d hoped.
7> You couldn’t help but mention how ironic it is that Jesus Christ was born on Santa Claus’ birthday.
6> Your novel suggestion that communion include salsa: “I’m just saying that the body of Christ can be a little dry, Your Holiness.”
5> Somebody must have done a whois on IHateMotherTeresa.com.
4> You showed up for Sunday mass festooned in Mardi Gras beads. Meanwhile, on Bourbon Street, a half-naked girl puking behind a Dumpster was sporting a lovely rosary.
3> Your advocacy of the canonization of O.J. Simpson as the “patron saint of getting away with sh*t.”
2> The cardinal’s duties would have interfered with Gay Bingo Night.
1> Your open-mouth kiss of Cardinal O’Connor at the 2003 Popey awards.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]