15> The gardener finish mowing the lawn in under five minutes.
The Texas Stadium lawn.
14> The mail carrier runs house to house, spiking TV Guides and
yelling, “In your FACE, Dallas!”
13> Arrives at your wedding in a sleeveless tuxedo.
12> Your morning newspaper rockets through the picture window,
blasts out the sliding doors and does a perfect swan dive into the
neighbors’ stagnant kiddie pool.
11> Last year: Dade County macrame champion.
This year: all-time MLB RBI champion.
10> Asking your wife, “What’s for dinner?” now earns you a snort
and repetitive pawing at the dirt.
9> When raising the host, Father O’Malley now strikes
a body-builder pose.
8> Johnny’s mom gives all eight kids on the soccer
team a ride to practice — piggyback.
7> Grandma’s latest hobby: crocheting trawling nets
for tuna boats.
6> When your wife gets a wobbly-wheeled cart at the
supermarket, she just picks it up and carries it around like a hand
basket.
5> Manages to work “testicle size is overrated” into
every conversation.
4> He’s far and away the best player on his T-ball
team — and the *only* one with a beard.
3> Kicks your mailbox off its post, then says, “I’ll
ask again: How many boxes of Thin Mints shall I put you down for?”
2> The Starbucks barista has taken to grinding the
beans for your latte in his teeth.
1> Just went 4-for-5 with three homers against Randy
Johnson — while on her period.
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]